FAT Tuesday

After a holiday TV famine that almost cost me my sanity, TV is back with an embarrassment of riches. AMERICAN IDOL kicked off its 8th unlikely season with an absolutely cracked out opening montage. With Fantasia in foreclosure I'm not sure what message she sends to future IDOL hopefuls. On the other hand, Carrie Underwood's 11 million record sales figure is catching up to Kelly Clarkson's 19 million. You can NEVER tell who's going to win from the auditions. So many people crack later. David Cook was (and still is) a pudgy dweeb who happens to have a HOT voice and a smart ear for music. And, now look at him! AMERICAN IDOL season 8 started out in Phoenix where the usual suspects were joined by a new judge, Kara DioGuardi. Who? Ok, I get it. She's worked with some very annoying people who've sold a lot of records (and -- it turns out -- she can sing quite well herself). But, I still don't know her well enough to care. Some say four judges is pointless or superfluous. The whole show is pointless and superfluous, so I say bring on 10 judges. 16 year olds can be berated and belittled by as many people as FOX can afford to pay to show up. Typical of FOX's economy with new footage, I think the first actual audition occurred about 16 minutes into the show. Let the train wreck commence! It only took 30 minutes for Paula to give Simon the finger. Paula looked great. Speaking of Paula, I love the weirdos on the show... the contestants, I mean. I prefer the indignant hot-heads compared to the emotional criers. My favorites from Tuesday's show were Michael Gurr (whoa!), Leah-Marie (Kara's only fan), and Bikini Girl (who I can NOT believe got through to Hollywood! Are you kidding me?!) Of course the weirdest shot of the whole show was Ryan kissing a woman. Technically, a woman was kissing Ryan who appeared frozen with fear and/or revulsion. Also, Ryan, it's kinda uncool to give a BLIND guy a high five (since he can't see you giving it!) Next time, maybe a pat on the back or a hug?

Speaking of hugs, THE BIGGEST LOSER: COUPLES (or THE BOB AND JILLIAN EGO SHOW) was back for the cursed week 2 episode. Cursed because contestants who lost BIG the first week often suffer from biological-backlash and only lose a pound or two after a 20 pound loss the week before. This season's episode 2 was no different. It still amazes me that millions of Americans (and I) watch this show, which is basically 40 minutes of morbidly obese people in very little clothing being weighed. I mean, who wouldn't lose as much weight as they could if they had a personal trainer who guided you through an Olympic athlete's workout every day and you had nutritional guidance and medical supervision. What THE BIGGEST LOSER (or THE BOB AND JILLIAN EGO SHOW) hasn't shown you on the show are the past winners who've ballooned since winning the show. Paraphrasing the guy said on tonight's episode it's like winner's spend $200,000 of the quarter million dollar prize on fried chicken and the rest on a car. Erik Chopin, the winner of NBC's third season of The Biggest Loser (pic) gained half his amazing 200+ pound weigh loss back and appeared on Oprah this past week to apologize to his fans and supporters for topping the scales at over 300 pounds again. It ain't easy. But it does make for fascinating TV. FINALLY!

I would like to talk about a double-standard that seems profoundly weird to me. Janet Jackson flashes ONE saggy old booby on the Superbowl and America has an actual hissy-fit causing unprecedented shock waves through the entire television industry. But, every week guys with bigger, flabbier, uglier boobs that Mrs. Jackson flash them BOTH on the scale for minutes while the camera just fixates on them. I really just don't get why men can flash their giant breasts around all day and all night and one tiny black woman flashes one titty for a second and world goes mad! Speaking of boobs...

And, NO, I didn't see Ann Actualcoulter on THE VIEW with Elizabitch Hasselcoulter. One of them is bad enough. Two would kill me! Putting either on TV is a crime against rational thought and human decency. I will probably NEVER watch THE VIEW again.