American Idol R.F.D.

Few genres sound as cheesy as country music if done poorly, as evidenced by this week's AMERICAN IDOL. Simon Cowell is a grade A dickwad. He's not even amusing any more. He's just plain offensive. I am so tired of him!! I hope Cara is there to replace him. She's real without being an ass.
Bring on the singin'!
Michael is still a big sexy hulk, but still as boring as a bag of rocks.
Allison can sing anything and make it sound rockin'. Still love her but not as a country singer.
Kris a.k.a. "Tender Dawg" is DELICIOUS! He can sing anything and make me want to jump his married bones.
Lil sounded great, but I just don't "buy" her as a jingoistic shill. Note to Simon Cowell, "Lil" is short for "Lillian" not "Little."
Adam looked like he had major cleavage during his interview. Is Randy Travis a kind of homophobic dick? Or was it just me? The song was a bit of a stretch, but if Grace Jones has covered "Ring Of Fire" who can't?!
Scott is still blind and still can't sing.
Alexis was a bit of a let-down. I love the song "Jolene," but her version was flat and boring. She tried to change it up just a little bit too much and lost the meaning/point of the song.
Danny: Jesus, give me a break! I like him, but I didn't like the song and I didn't like his performance (or his white Brian Fellows jacket).
Anoop ROCKS! Smooooth, sexy, and he can SING!
Megan, who should have been shot in the face after last week's song, and her boobs actually pulled off an insanely difficult song.
Matt was utterly forgettable.
Now get out there and vote, America!

The Untouchables

One of the things that the judges say EVERY season is that there are certain performers and songs that contestants just should never do. One of the "artists" who has more songs on that list than ANY other "singer" is Michael Jackson. So, what a risky way to start the season. Luckily, this season's contestants mostly stepped up to the plate and swung hard. Sports references in an AMERICAN IDOL post? Do I have a fever?!
Lil - Sizzling
Scott - Still blind
Danny - Started off "cruise ship" and end up "Vegas!"
Michael - Looked sexy. Sounded boring. Zzzz!
Jasmine - Fierce and cute!
Kris - Total H.I.L.F.!
Allison - Rockin'!
Anoop Dog - Bit off more than he could chew with that song!
Jorge - ¿Qué?
Megan Joy - WTF?!
Adam - This season's Blake Lewis.
Matt - Very timerberlakian.
Alexis - Got run over and dragged behind her song. Ouch.

AMERICAN IDOL RESULTS SHOW: 5 minutes of show 55 minutes of filler

Brooke "Village of the Damned" "Whitey" White (pictured with her family left) was this week's "encouraging" past IDOL loser trotted out to give the 9 losers from tonight's show hope that there is a depressing, hollow life after IDOL. Of course Brooke White was depressing and hollow before IDOL too. Where the F#CK is Ramiele Malubay?! You know I love me some Ramiele Malubay! Adam is emerging as one of my early favorites. He's a real showman like Blake Lewis and Chris Daughtry. Even if he doesn't win, this show will make him. Otherwise, there are still too many people on the show for me to keep straight in my mind. All the rest are one big blur of fake hair, fake tans, and deer-in-the-headlights eyes.P.S. - See last night's post. I so totally called the results! :-)

Change Comes To America... n Idol

No American institution is immune to the wave of change sweeping across America under our new President Ryan Seacrest. Tonight's "Final Round" of Hollywood Week on AMERICAN IDOL was oozing change. No more weird A CHORUS LINE-like spare rehearsal studio. Now the judges lounge like kings and queens in overstuffed chairs in "The Judges' Mansion" making teens and those who the teens have passed by battle each other for a spot on this season show. The Judges Mansion?! What the hell? Do they all live there during the show? Will there be a spin-off show? Do they have "swinging" parties at this "judges' mansion"? Also, Fox should get its money back from whoever upholstered those judges thrones. Tacky and sloppy workmanship. Anyway, also new to the show this year is the "sing off" where the judges pitted contestants against each other and put them on the spot to sing a song to stay on the show. The "sing off" portion of the two hour show was the most stomach churning. Then when the judges FINALLY deliver the news, they pull that tension-building crap by stalling the delivery of the good new with a fake out, "We don't have good news for you..." The contestant is in tears and about to pass out. Then the judges all look sad and then say "...we have GREAT news for you! You're in!" Then the contestant has a spaz attack! The judging panel had a very ANTM feeling (and that is NOT a step UP for AMERICAN IDOL). They have the tough task of "narrowing" the field down to 36. 36!? That's bigger than a football team isn't it? How long is this show gonna be on?! Until next February?! Bat-shit crazy, Tatiana, is this season's Sanjaya Jaya Binks. She's a kook! Rosie O'Donnell's prodigy Von Smith made it through. Sexy, god-loving widower Danny Gokey is gonna be a "story" this season. Anoop Desai is like a gag from a HAROLD AND KUMAR movie, but he can definitely rock out. I'm also keeping my eye on social outcast and Heatherette model (in his own mind), Nathaniel Marshall. Since we've only seen about 10 of the final 36 actually sing, the next few weeks may actually get this Spruce Goose of a season off the ground (or water or whatever). Who do you like? Who do you love? Who do you hate? Can you believe that sexy-god-loving-widower's BFF weird-facial-piercings-guy didn't make it?!

American Idol. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

For my post about this week's AMERICAN IDOL, see last week's post. Or, better yet, here it is again (abridged even):
"I'm sad that AMERICAN IDOL was only one hour tonight. I wanted more crazies! Hollywood week is going to be high drama. The "auditions" shows are filled with a LOT more auditioner's stories and a LOT fewer auditions. Every audition was puzzling and seemed to go on forEVER! I'm not enjoying the auditions this season. I'm looking forward to Hollywood week. I hope there will be some singing."

I DULL

Night two of AMERICAN IDOL was total dejavu. It was so formulaic. There were the crazies, followed by the super-crazies, the people with tough lives and sad stories. There was even another Castro family off-spring. Perhaps you will remember Jason Castro from last season. He was a total goob with cool hair and a nice smile. I thought he was an awful singer and an even worse performer. Well, he has a brother who also can't sing and has the stage presence of a mic stand. Michael Castro describes himself as the manlier of the two. Yikes! I would NOT be shocked to learn that either Castro boy also had a vagina. Check out the photos. They are the LAST photos of a Castro on this blog! There are --as usual-- some good singers, but we're also --as usual-- only getting a fraction of the whole story. We won't see all the people selected from Phoenix or Kansas City until Hollywood if ever. 147 folks Made it through to Hollywood according to Ryan's voice over, including Bikini Girl, Recent Widower, and Welder Guy. Appropriately, the show ended with some girl holding her head in her hands crying out in desperation, "Oh my God, I can not believe this sh*t!" Indeed, girlfriend. None of us can.

Seacrest X

Who would have thought that Ryan Seacrest would be the cause of the most racially charged hour of network TV in Post-Election America. MOMMA'S BOYS (produced by Ryan Seacrest) is proof that there are still unapologetic racially ignorant bigots who aren't afraid to say it loud and proud on national network TV. Khalood Bojanowski (Jojo's Mom) made a point of saying, "no Black girls, no Asian girls, no Jewish girls, no Muslim girls...etc." But, um, did we have to go there on a lame reality show about finding some pussy-whipped mama's-boy some pussy (from a desperate pool of half crazies and half sex addicts)? Pardon my French. There may be a few sane girls on the show, but it's too early to tell. Though, the theme --or maybe the leitmotif-- of the show is dudes who are trying to "get some" behind their mother's back, while their mother is standing right there. The show even used the hateful racial confrontations as a "teaser" at the end of the show. Tune in next week to see which skank takes a swing at Ms. Bojanowski first. Shitty show aside, if you had a racial statement you neeeeded to make, Mr. Seacrest, couldn't you have found a more creative or impactful way to express your obvious outrage at the duality of a country who could elect its first Black President while racist bigotry is still so ingrained in the ignorant plaid fabric of our culture? Make a documentary for PBS! But, can't reality shows just be about some crazy attention-whores without having to give airtime to America's (hopefully dwindling) KKK population. Bad Seacrest. Out!

Probst and his Daddy

Um, what the heck is going on in Jeff Probst's dressing room before the Emmys?! Actually, I don't care, I just want to see more of it!

Rock And/Or Roll

America, here are your judges. Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell. Without them...
...the show would only be 30 minutes.

David Cook - Hungry Like The Wolf - I did not dig this performance. He really seemed like he was phoning it in or kinda strutting around stage soaking in the adoration. Whichever, I was not digging his vibe. And, I hate to say that this was my least favorite of his performances.

Baba O'Reilly - MUCH better than the first song, but still not up to his full tilt potential. This is a baaaad time to take it safe and easy.

Syesha - Proud Mary - She is bringin' it! Watch out for Syesha. I think she really nailed a song that could have gone off the rails at ANY second. Her energy came through, and I was singing along like a damn fool. My poor dog's ears. She even nailed some of the Tina choreography. Brilliant!

A Change Is Gonna Come - Randy is HIGH. That was THE BOMB. BEST performance of the night. A truly diva-worthy performance. Both her songs tonight were fantastic. She is really kicking ass here at the end of the show.

Jason Castro - I Shot The Sheriff - Every week --from the first note-- all I can think of is NO NO NO NO NO! In the name of all that is holy and good in the world, what in the hell is this cartoon character doing?! This song was 100% cruise ship, and NOT the good lounge. AWFUL!

Mr. Tambourine Man - Holy Freakin Christmas! What a Brooke White-sized TRAINWRECK! It actually HURT my ears and my brain and my soul. Get this jester goofball weirdo out of my TV!

Monchuleta - Stand By Me - Awwwwwww! I mean, Aaaaaaaugh!! With pandering in the news so much these days, here's an excellent example of pandering to show the kids.

Love Me Tender - Awwwwww! I mean, Aaaaaaugh!! What does a 12 year old boy know about loving someone tender(ly). It probably didn't even matter that his voice wasn't even that strong tonight. I agree with Simon, that Monchuleta's two songs made millions of girls pick up the phone.

The Simpson's are to blame for the title of this post. I believe it was Reverend Lovejoy who suspected that the organist's sheet music had been switched with "rock and/or roll" or something like that. Credit where credit is due. Send Jason Castro HOME!

Idle

I usually don't muse on the AMERICAN IDOL "results" "show" because it's 2-3 minutes of entertainment packaged in a 60 minute snoozapalooza with 30 minutes worth of commercials and "plugs." I tivo through it so quickly that it's like I never watched it. Ryan Seacrest --at this point-- is quickly becoming a parody of himself. The crazier and campier he gets, the more boring and kinda "see-through" he becomes.

I noticed that the "mosh pit" was basically standing still and chatting amongst themselves for MOST of Neil Diamond's performance until the very end. Most were probably whispering, "David Hasselhoff doesn't look so good and what the hell is he singing about?!"

Cheesus Castro is around for another week?! UGH! That hurts me. Spoiler ahead...

BUT, Brooke "Whitey" White was FINALLY sent packing! AND, she went down in flames that her tears couldn't extinguish. Whitey literally squawked a few bars of "I Am I Said," and then just walked upstage and --we can all assume-- lost her crap. It was a train wreck of epic proportions. My jaw was hanging open for much of her "farewell." Now she can go back to her day job as Melody, drummer and blond songstress for Josie and The Pussycats.