OMG, ANTM!

On tonight's finale of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MONSTER, Tyra "The Good Witch" Banks eliminated the last of the high-fashion models half way through the show. I was SURE Marjorie would surely win the whole show, but I was wrong about that. Who knows what Tyra's thinking. It's probably all up to that Seventeen Magazine lady and some gay dude from Cover Girl. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Whitney, but I haven't seen her in any Versace runway shows. Why don't they just call the show AMERICA'S NEXT COVER GIRL? Sam is 120% commercial/catalog model and McKey REALLY has to PUSH it to achieve haute couture. Even for ANTM the final runway was insane! Talk about a law suit waiting to happen. It's a wonder no one broke an ankle and had to be put down. The dresses were to DIE for. WAY better than anything PROJECT RUNWAY has ever sent down the runway. THEN! Tyra "The Bad Witch" Banks eliminated someone's eye with her shoulder. Also, the mother from ALIEN called and wants her hairdo back, Tyra. And, in the end, they picked the less commercial of the two finalists but all three of the finalists were too commercial for me. PROJECT RUNWAY has gone cold. ANTM has gone commercial. What's a fag to do?! Did your favorite win? Or was she eliminated weeks ago?

Smoke Up, Bitches!

Wednesday night has slipped a bit from the gayest night on TV to being the bitchiest night on TV. The models on ANTM started getting up in each others' grills. Sheena and Alina couldn't stop sniping at each other. Marjorie got caught in the middle when she and Alina were accused of being "European especially on the episode where the girls find out they're going to Amsterdam to smoke weed with ." Ewwww. I have to say the patriotism/xenophobia issues were an unusual topic of discourse for ANTMTyra and Nigel Barker. Oops, I mean to model. It's never a good thing when one of my favorite girls is in the bottom two, and this week I lost one of my peeps. Then ANTM ended early (which you know I hate) to make way for AMERICA'S NEXT TOP BITCH. Oops, I mean STYLISTA, the new CW show where ultra-bitchy young people get ripped to shreds by bitchy bitches at Elle Magazine. Someone will be fatally scratched on this show by another contestant or a hungry intern at Elle. One contestant said early on that, "I'd give my left arm for this opportunity. Literally!" Well, just wait 'til later in the episode, sweetie. I'm sure someone at Elle will ask you for it. Should be fun. The 3 things that you need to know about STYLISTA are: 1) The Fashion News Director of ELLE magazine for the past 10 years is Anne Slowey, and she is the head judge on the show. She also is an uncanny living caricature of Patsy Stone. 2) EVERY employee at Elle Magazine says the name "Anne" as if it were a razor sharp dagger tipped with deadly poison. 3) One of the contestants is named -- and I'm not kidding you -- "Cologne." This show is SO getting a a season pass.

Dear Tyra

Dear Tyra,

Thank you for about 4% new footage in this week's lame-ass clip-show episode of ANTM. I watched the whole show in about 5 minutes. And, as I was fast forwarding through the whole show, I noticed a LOT of clips of Tyra who is usually only in the show for 3 minutes per episode. Less Tyra. More show. What a waste of TiVo space!

Love,
Patty

Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gaaay

Tyra Banks read poetry on tonight ANTM. Imagine how weird your life would be if Tyra Banks kept popping up randomly and forcing you to smile pretty and listen to her poetry. She's turning into Kim Jong Il. One of the models on tonight's show said, "This is cycle 11, you never know what's going to happen." I have to disagree. You should know exactly what is going to happen. Tyra's gonna show up, do something humiliating and pointless, and then you're going to get photographed (by a man) while wearing pretty clothes. Time to vogue, ladies. The models were coached through a posing session with Ms. Tyra, who taught them how to "give this." This --as far as I can tell-- is what Tyra does for a living. My favorite person on the show is Joselyn (who was barely in this episode), and my favorite model is Sheena (even though, she's kinda one-note). Marjorie is totally gonna win, and I don't like Elina. Tyra's outfit (self described as "little black riding hood") and her over-the-top-of-the-top delivery at panel was from another planet. My favorite photograph was Samantha's but not because of her. Marjorie really rocked her photo. I agreed with the judges choice of who to send home. What do you think? Also, ummmmm, what is gonna happen to the ANTM timeslot when STYLISTA starts in 2 weeks?

So then I switch the channel over to Bravo (actually, I pding the TiVo over to Bravo) to watch part 1 of the PROJECT RUNWAY finale. A quote from Korto within the first 3 minutes of the show, "Typical Kenley... rude as hell." When Kenley just breezed by the other contestants with a scowl and went home. When 3 out of 4 people are getting along great, and you're the one walking away with a scowl, you need to look at yourself, lady! [But as we know from looking "into the future" on today's LIVE WITH _____ & KELLY that Kenley is still a total bitch.] My favorite part of the whole season is Tim's visit "home" to meet the contestants' families and see where they live and work. First up, Korto. Jesus! Korto is WAY too cool for Arkansas. Her collection and her workspace are stunning. Though, I agree with Tim that her wedding dress needed something more (a lot less). Korto then drummed for us. Who knew? Leanne lives in Portland, which explains why she's so mousy and plain. I liked her wedding dress more than Korto's, but her collection was kind of putting me to sleep. Tim Gunn on a bicycle built for two! Holy crap, perhaps the funniest thing this season. I love the parks in Portland. If it wasn't SO boring, I'd love to move to Portland. It's true that EVERYONE rides a bike in Portland. Jarell lives in LA. I should have figured that out. Though, his collection is so not-LA. I love Jarell's family. You can see in Jarell's story how creative people can be nurtured and supported by an environment instead of stifled by it. Speaking of stifling, Tim finally went to visit Kenley in Brooklyn. She cried. And cried. And then cried more. No friends. No family. Just tears. Gorgeous wedding dress, though. Best so far. Then the designers all moved back in together in NYC and got thrown a curve ball. They had to design a bridesmaid dress to go with their wedding dress. Kenley's eye roll almost pulled the Earth off it's axis. Later, she whined some more. Then later she accused Leanne and Korto of stealing her design. As if! In fact, later Michael Kors pointed out that Kenley's silouette was an almost exact copy of an Alexander McQueen dress from Spring of THIS year. Kenley protested petulently, but check out the photos I put together. Seems pretty identical to me. On the runway, however, none of the dresses looked like wedding dresses to me. I wouldn't want to be married in either Korto's dress or Jarell's. I was relieved by the judge's choice. I still think it's downright sh!tty to handle the end of the show this way. Just pick a damn final 3. Anyway, one week 'til the final finale! Also, don't forget to watch TIM GUNN'S GUIDE TO STYLE season 2. I'm devastated that Victoria Blackham --I mean! Veronica Webb isn't going to be on this season. If I didn't love Tim so much, I'd protest!

The gayness soldiered on into the night as I dipped my toe into TOP DESIGN. The challenge was to redecorate an eco-friendly office. But, who cares, really? The show should be called WHAT THE F#CK IS UP WITH KELLY WEARSTLER'S HAIR THIS WEEK?! In the mean time, Eddie elevated the level of bitchiness (and queeniness) every time he was on camera. It was like a never ending spiral into white-hot queerness. A little scary. Then Mr. India Hicks throws the biggest, stupidest curve into the show: after the designers have met with their clients, designed for their clients, and shopped for their clients, they have to swap clients with another designer and somehow make their "vision" work. This is utter bull$hit, and I'm sick of it! Play fair, show producers. Then FINALLY, it was time for W's hair, and was it worth the wait? Um, no! because she wasn't even on the show this week! Dammit! What a waste of an hour! Hey look, Cybil Shepard went to Wearstler's hair dresser! TOP DESIGN at least ended the 3 hour Gay-A-Thon with the gayest thing I've seen on TV in... almost forever.

ANTM: 11 CRAZY: 0

The shocking thing about last night's AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MONSTER was how uneventful it was. I miss Isis. Tyra wasn't crazy. Miss Jay was "reeled in," and Mr. Jay only showed up in a giant Godzilla costume for a few minutes. So, y'know, normal. I agree with the judges decison, though I always question the consistency of judging when one week a girl is in the top few and then gone next week.

Gay Night TV Marathon

While the economy goes down in flames lets talk about flaming homosexuals. Way more fun. The gayest night of TV started out of order for me. I watched PROJECT RUNWAY first because it is now my least favorite show of the night. Also, did you know that Lifetime and NBC/Bravo are in a tug-of-war over PROJECT RUNWAY? Brothers (producers of PR) tried to sell the show to Lifetime because the show is a runaway hit among women 18-34. NBC and Bravo said no way! And, a judge agreed. Next season (if anyone still cares by then) will be on Bravo, but the following season will be on Lifetime. As or tonight's episode, at least we got back to fashion and models who look good in clothes for a change. I am a 100% dress of course; I did not care for Leanne's dress, though I liked the idea of it and her crazy-ass The WeinsteinKorto fan. I am hoping that she wins the whole show. I am hating Kenley more with every passing moment of this episode and hoping that the previews showing her in a throw-down with Heidi are true! On the runway: I loved Korto'sOCD ruffle work; Jerell's dress was gorgeous in parts, but all together it was messy and not at all like his inspiration photo. And then there's Kenley. All I could think of was Divine from Pink Flamingos. The dress looked difficult to walk in, like you'd be out of breath walking across the room. Much to my horror, the judges raked Korto over the coals when every single designer had something wrong with their dress. Props to Jerell for his impassioned speech and for not backing down when Kenley attacked him for not liking her. And then there's Kenley. Wahwah wah. Sniff and boo hoo! I was pooping during the final judging countdown until they pulled the same damn BS again with the pre-show show. Coming up, I hope, is the episode where Tim Gunn visits the designers at home in their studios. Though, I still think Kenley should have been sent packing for being a bigger bitch than any gay man in the history of PR. So, finally, TOP DESIGN let the designers work alone in a design "triathlon". Working in teams was turning the show into a clusterf#ck. I still loooove Nathan, and I wish he wasn't only into fey Asian men. The individual designer challenges really get to show off who they are. Each designer had to embellish a very plain chair and make it their own (chairs pictured are not from the show) Preston's chair was booooring! Wizit's chair looked dirty. I loved the Eddie's chair. It looked very Jonathan Adler. Natalie's chair was ok. It did look tacky. Theresa's chair was janky. Andrea's chair was a wreck, sadly. I loved Ondine's "Betsy Johnson" chair. Nathan's chair was a little garish to me, but I still love him. It did look very finished. The second challenge was a table-setting challenge. Theresa's table was a mess! It looked like a picnic. Natalie's colors made me pukey. Eddie's table was perfect. Andrea's table was very sophisticated (for a child's birthday party). Nathan's table was kinda lame. Preston's table looked like it's not done. Wizit's table was prissy. Shock. Ondine's table was a little off and the judges called her out on it. The third challenge was to design a set for a photo shoot (for Elle Decor) using items bought at a garden store. Weird. OMG, Kelly Werstler's hair is just too insane even for me. She always looks like she's been dragged down a carpeted hallway! Preston's space was awful. Theresa's space looked so bare and plain. Wizit's space at least had some flair and pizzazz. Nathan's space looked boring. Natalie's space was actually OK. I liked Ondine's room. She was able to bring the outdoors inside. Andrea's looked oddly polished but unfinished. Eddie's looked bare and sparse to me. The final two came down to Andrea (Rick Schroeder's wife) and Theresa. Andrea did a great job in 2 of the 3 challenges. Theresa sucked at all 3. And then I watched ANTM as the "main feature" of my gay TV evening. But, by that time I was too tired to blog about it, so you'll have to wait until Thursday.

The Gayest Night of TV on TV

I enjoyed the trifecta of gay TV tonight: ANTM, PROJECT RUNWAY, and TOP DESIGN. None of the shows is particularly outstanding on its own. Though, ANTM is really AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MONSTER. Tyra is insane. What the HELL was she wearing at panel?! Even compared to Miss Jay, Tyra is out o' her mind. At only 23 minutes into the show, they sent one of the modelettes home early because her runway walk was so hideous. Granted, the girls were blindfolded. But still, her walk was atrocious. In other news, the fashions on ANTM were 700 billion times better than 94% of the fashions on this season's PROJECT RUNWAY. The Jeremy Scott outfits (pictured left) were wicked FIERCE! Then, the winners of the runway challenge did a mini-photoshoot for some 15! year-old designer chick from Russia. It was an action-packed, if unremarkable episode. I agreed with the first girl sent home, but I definitely did not agree with the second girl sent home. Bravo Bravo for back to back Gay-O-Vision. On PROJECT RUNWAY, Suede was so afraid Suede was going home that he actually slipped and talked about himself in the 1st person. PR started out by showing how expendable models are by kicking 3 of them off the show by letting the designers pick and steal each others' models. Then they didn't even use the models they picked! Then the producers (or whoever the hell is "running" this show) threw the entire chessboard into the air and just randomly tossed stuff together into another pointless unfocused mess of a challenge/episode which had very little to do with modern fashion. Kenley has torn a page out of Tyra's Irrational Crazy Bitch Handbook by acting like she actually knows what "hip hop" is and arguing with Tim Gunn about it. AND, on top of that she actually said that she knows more about hip hop fashion than Tim Gunn. This was a messy episode on so many levels. The runway show was HILARIOUS! Korto, who I love, looked like a pissed off extra from SORDID LIVES. Kenley looked hot on the runway and very pop. Leanne looked like Mary Kate after a ROUGH night. I could "kinda" see the Mary J Blige vibe that Kenley was going for, but the outfit was a wreck. (Leanne didn't help her, but I don't blame her.) Suede rocked the first outfit of Korto's I didn't love. Unfortunately he was styled to look exactly like Alison Moyet circa 1982. Jarell looked hot too, but not over-the-top enough. He was about as rock-n-roll as Leanne was hip hop. The cruelest part was having to get eliminated while wearing a costume on national TV. PR this season has turned into the Kenley Kenley Kenly! hour, and she's not gay, she's gay. TOP DESIGN is a complete clone of PR. The budget, however is over-the-top. The PR designers get $250 to make a $1500 gown and the TD designers get $10,000 to redo a bachelor pad. $999 massage recliner and $9000 flat screen TV. $1 can opener. Done. In addition to the $10K, they get a team of painters, wallpaper hangers, and a seamstress. Daaaamn! These pads better look swank! There were three teams. Once again, there were two "easy" clients, and one impossible client. I wonder who will be going home. One team's self-described theme was: Asian Kanye West; another's was Panty-dropping Chic; and, the final team's theme was Boring and Stupid. To make matters worse, they were the team who bickered throughout the entire episode. Luckily, my favorite hottie designer, Nathan, gained immunity from elimination and despite his team's self-imolation he was spared. Yay. Whew, that was a tiring three hours of high-octane gayness.

You're Beautiful, Now Change

"You're Beautiful, Now Change" was the title of tonight's episode of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MONSTER. Um, hello, that's the underlying theme of the whole show! Tyra can NOT stress enough at panel, "I want to see more of YOU. So, I can make you more like ME." Ahhhh, the makeover episode. For the uninitiated, this week Tyra will tell each girl another thing that is very wrong with her in an, um... constructive? way. Then she'll make half the girls endure 12 hour hair weaves and 20 level dye jobs. Then for the rest of the season the hair and make-up people make the girls almost unrecognizable. Most of the girls will actually look "better." Ok, press play on the Tivo!

And, because Tyra was tired of being the craziest bitch on TV, Miss Jay did an utterly unhinged wicked witch impression. She gave Tyra a poison apple. A kiss from "Mr." Jay awoke Tyra (who's either really a man or in love with the gays). Tyra then left before the makeover mayhem.

Oh JESUS, "fairy" god monster Tyra appeared in a bubble pointing out the girls' flaws. Best makeover: Hannah (unfortunately) her haircut even made her look slightly less racist. Go figure! Worst makeover: Elina (and she cried) Samantha cried too. Sheena didn't look any different in her photo shoot, but later I was living in fear of her "highlights." Elina's hair looked like she had a used red mop on her head when she was sitting around the house later that night. All in all, it wasn't the drama-filled festival of tears it has been in the past. Still fun. The improv Cover Girl commercial was way more telling. Some of those girls were wooden and stiff and some were loose and silly. I won't spoil who won, but I am not pleased. (Though, in fairness, she deserved to win.) Later the wannabe models did a swimsuit shoot with Russell James, renowned swimsuit photographer. Mr. James didn't care for Isis. Me thinks the Aussie straighty smelled a tranny. Then came panel: Marjory is so forgettable to me, but I swear she'll be in the final 3. Sheena looked great in her pic. Analeigh looked OK. Clark looks like more of a man to me than Isis. Hannah looked OK. Lauren looked smokin' sexy. Brittany is not pushing it. McKey's hair is too dark, but she's still managing to pull it off. Isis did look a bit uncomfortable. But, I think that was drama created by editing. She taped it down at the auditions in a smaller bikini bottom. I know some drag queens with huge equipment that strap it down and wear bathing suits and then do dance numbers. thatWhat's the big deal now? Sam looked hot. Elina looks good, but not great. Joslyn is a one-woman-riot and I love her. Did I miss anyone? I agreed with the bottom 2. Either one was expendable. I love Tyra's hair this cycle! Who is your favorite girl so far this season?

ANTM: America's Next Total Monster

I know that saying Tyra Banks done lost her damn mind is like saying the sky is blue, but did she REALLY have to call Nikesha anorexic to her face in front of all the other girls before she kicked her off the show? That was just cruel, even for a heartless nutjob like Tyra. On a happier note, I'm still glad to see Isis in the running. And, I can say this because I'm gay, I hope that Hannah goes home before Isis so that when she's home in uptight bigoted Alaska, she has to tell everyone that she is uglier than a pre-op tranny (and then explain to everyone (including aunty Sarah Palin) what a pre-op tranny is). And, gurl, batten down the hatches because this week is makeover week! The tears! The drama! The dye!

Fiiiiiiiiierce

ANTM Cycle 11 premiered this week with Tyra's weirdest "set-up/intro" yet. She was a robot. I didn't need Tyra Banks to tell me Tyra Banks is a robot!
My four favorite girls are:
1. Isis, because she is strong and fierce and pretty
2. Sheena, because she IS Kimora Lee Simmons' mini-me
3. McKey, because she has a good heart and I like MMA
5. Joselyn, because she cracks me up

My two least favorite girls are:
1. Clark, because she is straight-up ignorant AND because she's from a "good Southern family"
2. Sharaun, because she was a straight-up cocky bitch
3. Mr. Jay, because his boobs looked funny and lopsided in his silver top

I can't wait for the makeovers! Maybe Mr. Jay will get a boob job.

America's Next Top Model Cycle 11

Here's a sneak peek from this Wednesday's 2-hour premiere of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL on the CW.