SNL: Put a Wigg on THAT!

Bradly Cooper? Who? Well, at least he's kinda cute. He's not why we're watching SNL tonight. Kristin Wiig did another razor sharp Kathy Lee Gifford (host of the 4th hour of the TODAY show on NBC) sketch which was deliciously uncomfortable to watch. Her physicality with the "character" is deeply disturbing. I don't get those "singing sketches" where they say really weird stuff in between singing an unusual song. What's up with that? Tonight's SNL kinda had a "collection of YouTube clips" feeling. Is that a coincidence? Is that a good thing? TV On The Radio made me feel like I'd fallen into a time warp, and not in a good way. My favorite punchline from UPDATE: "Because nothing helps you fit in like a monkey full of cocaine." Thank you, Seth Meyers, for sticking up for Michael Phelps. Why aren't more people? And, OH THANK YOU JEEBUS for Kristin Wiig as Bjork! Her song KILLED me! I can't wait 'til her song is online so I can watch it over and over. And, can someone tell me why Drew Barrymore was at the end of the show and why Bradley Cooper didn't mention her even though she was standing RIGHT next to him. In fact, he aaaalmost elbowed her in the face at one point, but he didn't mention her. Was she in a sketch? Did I fall asleep?

REALLY!?!

Kathie Lee at the Hoedown!

Bjork for President of Iceland!

More clips at HULU.com and NBC.com

The BIGGEST Loser

Just when you thought no one could be more of a crazy nutbar than Vicki from last season's THE BIGGEST LOSER along comes Joelle. Joelle does not live on planet Earth. Clearly her weight is a symptom of something WAY more messed up. The WORST part is that her "partner" slash "best friend" Carla was the heaviest woman ever weighed in on THE BIGGEST LOSER and really, REALLY needed to be on the show and at the trainer-supervised ranch. Carla also really, REALLY wanted to be on the ranch. Joelle just straight-up bitch-punked her. Joelle didn't work out like anyone else on the show. She thought she was at a spa. In her mind, she was. I hope Carla comes back stronger and leaner than ever at the finale and literally kicks Joelle's still-fat ass! Joelle's supreme disconnectedness with reality was truly historic on reality TV. Joelle is up there with Willie Ames and Dustin Diamond on CELEBRITY FIT CLUB and CT on THE REAL WORLD in terms of bat-shit crazy mofos who you have got to watch out for! They will stab you in the back the SECOND you look away!

Fat Heads

I'm not sure why THE BIGGEST LOSER (aka THE BOB AND JILLIAN EGO SHOW) decided to give away 115 minutes of the 120 minute show in the previews this week. If you watched NBC at all this week then you already know that the final weigh in (the only reason for watching the show) was gonna be between the two youngest guys. What a dilemma! Despite Tara's right-on plea to save the orange team's lives, they were voted off. This has been the season of bad vote-offs. We'll see what happens in the finale.

FAT Tuesday

After a holiday TV famine that almost cost me my sanity, TV is back with an embarrassment of riches. AMERICAN IDOL kicked off its 8th unlikely season with an absolutely cracked out opening montage. With Fantasia in foreclosure I'm not sure what message she sends to future IDOL hopefuls. On the other hand, Carrie Underwood's 11 million record sales figure is catching up to Kelly Clarkson's 19 million. You can NEVER tell who's going to win from the auditions. So many people crack later. David Cook was (and still is) a pudgy dweeb who happens to have a HOT voice and a smart ear for music. And, now look at him! AMERICAN IDOL season 8 started out in Phoenix where the usual suspects were joined by a new judge, Kara DioGuardi. Who? Ok, I get it. She's worked with some very annoying people who've sold a lot of records (and -- it turns out -- she can sing quite well herself). But, I still don't know her well enough to care. Some say four judges is pointless or superfluous. The whole show is pointless and superfluous, so I say bring on 10 judges. 16 year olds can be berated and belittled by as many people as FOX can afford to pay to show up. Typical of FOX's economy with new footage, I think the first actual audition occurred about 16 minutes into the show. Let the train wreck commence! It only took 30 minutes for Paula to give Simon the finger. Paula looked great. Speaking of Paula, I love the weirdos on the show... the contestants, I mean. I prefer the indignant hot-heads compared to the emotional criers. My favorites from Tuesday's show were Michael Gurr (whoa!), Leah-Marie (Kara's only fan), and Bikini Girl (who I can NOT believe got through to Hollywood! Are you kidding me?!) Of course the weirdest shot of the whole show was Ryan kissing a woman. Technically, a woman was kissing Ryan who appeared frozen with fear and/or revulsion. Also, Ryan, it's kinda uncool to give a BLIND guy a high five (since he can't see you giving it!) Next time, maybe a pat on the back or a hug?

Speaking of hugs, THE BIGGEST LOSER: COUPLES (or THE BOB AND JILLIAN EGO SHOW) was back for the cursed week 2 episode. Cursed because contestants who lost BIG the first week often suffer from biological-backlash and only lose a pound or two after a 20 pound loss the week before. This season's episode 2 was no different. It still amazes me that millions of Americans (and I) watch this show, which is basically 40 minutes of morbidly obese people in very little clothing being weighed. I mean, who wouldn't lose as much weight as they could if they had a personal trainer who guided you through an Olympic athlete's workout every day and you had nutritional guidance and medical supervision. What THE BIGGEST LOSER (or THE BOB AND JILLIAN EGO SHOW) hasn't shown you on the show are the past winners who've ballooned since winning the show. Paraphrasing the guy said on tonight's episode it's like winner's spend $200,000 of the quarter million dollar prize on fried chicken and the rest on a car. Erik Chopin, the winner of NBC's third season of The Biggest Loser (pic) gained half his amazing 200+ pound weigh loss back and appeared on Oprah this past week to apologize to his fans and supporters for topping the scales at over 300 pounds again. It ain't easy. But it does make for fascinating TV. FINALLY!

I would like to talk about a double-standard that seems profoundly weird to me. Janet Jackson flashes ONE saggy old booby on the Superbowl and America has an actual hissy-fit causing unprecedented shock waves through the entire television industry. But, every week guys with bigger, flabbier, uglier boobs that Mrs. Jackson flash them BOTH on the scale for minutes while the camera just fixates on them. I really just don't get why men can flash their giant breasts around all day and all night and one tiny black woman flashes one titty for a second and world goes mad! Speaking of boobs...

And, NO, I didn't see Ann Actualcoulter on THE VIEW with Elizabitch Hasselcoulter. One of them is bad enough. Two would kill me! Putting either on TV is a crime against rational thought and human decency. I will probably NEVER watch THE VIEW again.

Seacrest X

Who would have thought that Ryan Seacrest would be the cause of the most racially charged hour of network TV in Post-Election America. MOMMA'S BOYS (produced by Ryan Seacrest) is proof that there are still unapologetic racially ignorant bigots who aren't afraid to say it loud and proud on national network TV. Khalood Bojanowski (Jojo's Mom) made a point of saying, "no Black girls, no Asian girls, no Jewish girls, no Muslim girls...etc." But, um, did we have to go there on a lame reality show about finding some pussy-whipped mama's-boy some pussy (from a desperate pool of half crazies and half sex addicts)? Pardon my French. There may be a few sane girls on the show, but it's too early to tell. Though, the theme --or maybe the leitmotif-- of the show is dudes who are trying to "get some" behind their mother's back, while their mother is standing right there. The show even used the hateful racial confrontations as a "teaser" at the end of the show. Tune in next week to see which skank takes a swing at Ms. Bojanowski first. Shitty show aside, if you had a racial statement you neeeeded to make, Mr. Seacrest, couldn't you have found a more creative or impactful way to express your obvious outrage at the duality of a country who could elect its first Black President while racist bigotry is still so ingrained in the ignorant plaid fabric of our culture? Make a documentary for PBS! But, can't reality shows just be about some crazy attention-whores without having to give airtime to America's (hopefully dwindling) KKK population. Bad Seacrest. Out!

Rosie O'Donnell's LIVE Variety Extravaganza (with Liza Minnelli fer f#ck's sake!)

Tonight is the night you've been waiting for! [SCROLL DOWN FOR MY REACTION TO THE SHOW]

I don't even know where to begin with what could be either the biggest train wreck or the greatest moment of entertainment this season on TV. Guests include Liza Freakin' Minnelli, Kathy Godamn Griffin, Alec Baldwin, Alanis Morrissette, Jane Krakowski, Ne-Yo, Rachael Ray (BARF!), Harry Connick Jr., and The Gaiken (on the same show as Kathy Godamn Griffin). My TiVo says the show is only 60 minutes which seems short to me, but we'll see. Does anyone know if this is a "one off" show or will Rosie be having more live extravaganzas in the future? Rosie was on Conan O'Brien recently and said that Barbara Walters HAAAATES her and apparently said so on THE VIEW recently. I'd love to see Rosie (and fellow B. Wal hatee Kathy Godamn Griffin) skewer the old bag of bones, but Rosie told Conan that even though B. Wal HAAAATES her, she has too much respect for her as a journalist to return her fire. Tune in tonight a 8PM (or at another time if you live in the middle).

So, I watched the show... Rosie looked great. Fantastic makeup. I loved the opening number with Liza Minnelli. I saw Liza on Broadway in like 2000, and it looked like she'd be in the ground by intermission. But, she's risen and fallen a few times since then and tonight she rose from the grave (right onto Rosie's stage) and sang her skinny old ass off. Though Rosie sounded awful, Liza more than made up for it. Way to start a show! Talk about variety! First, Alec Baldwin came out, looked HUGE, and kept almost motorboating Rosie's ample bosom. Conan O'Brien arrived, looked like a stick figure, got hit in the face with a pie, and then left. Some little tiny children looking people tap danced, then two really gay looking guys did some crazy dancing that was an odd mix of SO YOU THINK YOU CAN RIVERDANCE. Jane Krakowski showed up and did a saucy Carol Merrill Broadway striptease while giving away a ton of free crap to the audience. That was surreal in a way I wasn't expecting. Then a paunchy Gaiken come on in his SPAMALOT costume. His hair looked like Kathy Griffin's hair when she hasn't had her hair or makeup done. Ne Yo sang a song. It wasn't bad. He sounded good. Nancy Grace popped up on a giant screen and then Kathy Griffin came out "doing" a flawless Nancy Grace impression (which I saw her do live on Saturday). Harry Connick Jr. came out dressed as Santa (sorta) and promoted his new Christmas CD and then "sang" (though he looked like he was having a grand mal seizure when he sang). Then the show took a crazy turn into "variety" territory with an ecstacy flashback involving WAY too much motion for my old brain to process: cowboys, hula hoops, segways, and asian chicks. Lots of spinning things. After the break, Rosie did a bit where she was dressed as a cop followed by Alanis Morrisette looking like Jennifer Anniston. She sounded great, but I wanted to kill myself about 30 seconds into her touching, introspective dirge. Gawdblesser, but she's kinda like Tori Amos without any balls. Gloria Estefan came out and did a lame-ass joke then sang with Rosie. Their voices sounded better than the Liza number, though it lacked the same pizzazz. Plus, I hate Gloria Estefan almost as much as Sharon Stone. Oh shit, I'm hallucinating now. There's giant dancing food. Worse yet, Rachel Ray popped out carrying a HUGE (fake) turkey. God damn I hate that bitch, Rachel Ray. But despite RR and Glofan, I enjoyed the show and would watch it again. Did you watch it? Did you enjoy it, or do you want that hour of your life back?