SAVED by SIMON (spoiler alert)

Simon (and allegedly the rest of the judges) saved Justin Timberlake from elimination on Wednesday night's AMERICAN IDOL.  Do you agree? Are you pissed?  Happy? Annoyed? Angry? Post it in the comments section.  Prizes may be lurking in the comments section for commenters drawn at random through Friday.  Just sayin'...

Eight.

Who was the creepy bald dude in the audience on Tuesday night's AMERICAN IDOL?

Gokey was Michael MacDonald

Kris was kinda like Geraldo mixed with the Backstreet Boys

Lil WAS Angela Bassett as Tina Turner

Anoop was Barry White

Scott is still The Greatest American Hero

Alison is Stevie Nicks (this week)

Matt is still Justin Timberlake

Adam Lambert is... I don't know because FOX cut him off. My AMERICAN IDOL ended BEFORE Adam Lambert's performance. That doesn't seem fair to me. Anyone else miss Adam's performance or just me?

Get it while you can! Here's a YouTube clip of Adam Lambert's performance on AMERICAN IDOL from Tuesday night. I'm am SO mad that THIS is the performance that I didn't get to see because FOX was over by about 5 minutes last night. So, if your DVR or VCR denied you this performance, enjoy it while you can...

Nine

Any popular song on iTunes?! And no one did "I Love College"!?

Anoop - Usher dressed as Michael Jackson singing like Kayne West.

Megan - Lauren Hill who hates whitey as sung by whitey. Awful.

Gokey - Killed it.

Allison - Perfect. Just a dash of Pat Benatar.

Scott - Still blind. Still cannot sing. AND I hate HATE Billy Joel.

Matt Timberlake - Uh oh. Bad.

Lil - The best! + Ryan threw her a life raft by kidnapping her daughter and selling her to Randy.

Adam - Liza Minnelli is BACK, baby!
Kris - Hot but boring.

Scott, Megan, or even Anoop could go this week. Anyone else and I'm gonna be pissed!

American Idol R.F.D.

Few genres sound as cheesy as country music if done poorly, as evidenced by this week's AMERICAN IDOL. Simon Cowell is a grade A dickwad. He's not even amusing any more. He's just plain offensive. I am so tired of him!! I hope Cara is there to replace him. She's real without being an ass.
Bring on the singin'!
Michael is still a big sexy hulk, but still as boring as a bag of rocks.
Allison can sing anything and make it sound rockin'. Still love her but not as a country singer.
Kris a.k.a. "Tender Dawg" is DELICIOUS! He can sing anything and make me want to jump his married bones.
Lil sounded great, but I just don't "buy" her as a jingoistic shill. Note to Simon Cowell, "Lil" is short for "Lillian" not "Little."
Adam looked like he had major cleavage during his interview. Is Randy Travis a kind of homophobic dick? Or was it just me? The song was a bit of a stretch, but if Grace Jones has covered "Ring Of Fire" who can't?!
Scott is still blind and still can't sing.
Alexis was a bit of a let-down. I love the song "Jolene," but her version was flat and boring. She tried to change it up just a little bit too much and lost the meaning/point of the song.
Danny: Jesus, give me a break! I like him, but I didn't like the song and I didn't like his performance (or his white Brian Fellows jacket).
Anoop ROCKS! Smooooth, sexy, and he can SING!
Megan, who should have been shot in the face after last week's song, and her boobs actually pulled off an insanely difficult song.
Matt was utterly forgettable.
Now get out there and vote, America!

The Untouchables

One of the things that the judges say EVERY season is that there are certain performers and songs that contestants just should never do. One of the "artists" who has more songs on that list than ANY other "singer" is Michael Jackson. So, what a risky way to start the season. Luckily, this season's contestants mostly stepped up to the plate and swung hard. Sports references in an AMERICAN IDOL post? Do I have a fever?!
Lil - Sizzling
Scott - Still blind
Danny - Started off "cruise ship" and end up "Vegas!"
Michael - Looked sexy. Sounded boring. Zzzz!
Jasmine - Fierce and cute!
Kris - Total H.I.L.F.!
Allison - Rockin'!
Anoop Dog - Bit off more than he could chew with that song!
Jorge - ¿Qué?
Megan Joy - WTF?!
Adam - This season's Blake Lewis.
Matt - Very timerberlakian.
Alexis - Got run over and dragged behind her song. Ouch.

Getting Gay With Kids

The opening "number" on tonight's live IDOL results show will give me WAY more horrifying nightmares than the entire 2nd season of Dexter which I JUST finished. So gooood! I wish IDOL had a serial killer component to the show tonight. I even kinda like(d) that Katie Perry song they destroyed making it all the more tragic. TRAGIC! Who does these CHEEE-ZEE arrangements?! The first actual "results" were finally given 17 minutes into the snooze-tastic show. I didn't care for Lil Rounds last night, but she was all people could talk about on today's talk shows. And, now she's in the top 12. I will say that she sounded a little better tonight, but not much. She's NO Mary J Blige. It took 9 minutes to get to the next result. Geeky Alex grasped at straws before finding out he was NOT going through to the next round. At 29 minutes into the show, they let the blind guy know he was through to the next round. I have to be honest, if he wasn't blind he wouldn't even be on the show. He's not that good. Ok, well NONE of my favorites are moving on this week. Bummer. Ok so get to the wild card details. Now. NOW! No such luck. They trotted out the "top 9" again before FINALLY explaining that the judges get to hand pick contestants to compete in the wild card show tomorrow. TOMORROW?! F#ck you FOX! How many TiVos and VCRs do you think I have?! Then the judges announced their "wild 8" (see below) as if they were handing out harvested organs to transplant patients. And, Tatiana?! Really?! Is FOX THAT desperate?!

Weak 3 on AMERICAN IDOL

Ryan's inane banter is just WRONG. Why would Ryan even talk to the judges on live TV? There's no reason. It seems like Ryan's orders from the producers are, "Be as obnoxious and annoying as possible." Ryan takes people who are nervous enough to pee and he f*cks with them. Then he takes a professional panel of blowhards and asks them ridiculous questions that often lead them off on pointless tangents and embarrassing kerfuffles. Can someone please tell me why I don't like Von Smith? He even reeled it WAY in -- for him -- but I still find him grating as all hell. My 2 WTF!? performances of the night were turned in by Nathaniel (so-queer-it-hurts) and Alex (so-geeky-it-hurts). Nathaniel, the gayest man on the planet, chose a Meatloaf song?! And then the arrangement of the song was completely schizo! And THEN stupid Ryan had to go talk to his grandmother in the audience. AWKWARD! Alex tried to inject some soul into his geeky performance and only accentuated his geeky side. He sounded awful and danced like Elaine on SEINFELD. Not good. Also not good were Taylor who is NOT Alicia Keys, and Jorge who is NOT Julio Iglesias. I loved Kristen's Tracy Chapman song. I thought she was the only singer of the night who really just killed it. She made the song her own and really likable/catchy. Ju'Not's Hey There Delila was the ONLY version of that song I've ever liked. He was my second favorite even though the first part of his song put me to sleep. Lil Rounds also started off rocky but redeemed herself by the end of the song. But she didn't knock it out of the park. She bunted and then ran her booty off. The highlight of my IDOL week 3 was the release of some off-the-hook pics of Adam Lambert. I'm looking forward to next week's "wild card" round to see just how f'ed up FOX makes things. I hope the "wild card" contestants have to cage fight for their spot on the "big show."

Noel Coward's Nick and Norman on AMERICAN IDOL

The 2 hour show's first watchable performance was the tasmanian devilish performance of Nick or Norman who did one of AMERICAN IDOL's most entertaining versions of "And I'm Telling You." But cha had to see it to believe it. I'd almost consider voting for him if I cared enough to pick up my cell phone which is 1 foot away from me right now. I don't. The first three performances were god-awful! Matt G butchered a Coldplay song. It was worse than karaoke. Then Jeanine did a belly flop into a Maroon 5 song. Jasmine was the least awful of the three. IDOL producers also did away with the awkward "red room" post-performance family interviews. Hmmm. Didn't I suggest that last week? One of my biggest beefs with the show is how Ryan can be kinda a dick to terrified performers about to go out and perform for the first time on live TV. Who TF comes up with the inane and unanswerable questions Ryan asks the performers and their relations?! "How does it feel to be here?!" It's indescribable, Ryan. To even try to describe it is to ruin it, so thanks for that. Then FINALLY, almost an hour into the show, Allison came out and KILLED it. She ROCKED a Heart song, which is not easy to do. Give her a good dye-job and she could be a hit. Kris also rocked it, a Michael Jackson song no less. He did just enough to make it different without ruining the original. Megan was just OK. Matt the welder was boring and he can't move behind the mic. He looked like a hefty robot trying to dance. Jesse did a VERY karaoke version of a song that should be added to the list of songs one should NEVER sing on IDOL, "Bette Davis Eyes." You just can't make the song sound "current" and the band's lame-ass arrangement doesn't help. Kai -- who I don't remember from any show before tonight -- sleepwalked through another karaoke performance of a stale Motown hit. I didn't care for him or his stealing the haircut I had in 1991. Zzzzz. I wanted to like Mishavonna, but her song choice was lackluster to say the least. She just didn't shine. And then there was Adam Lambert -- aka Mr. Musical Theatre -- who chose to sing a Rolling Stones song, "Satisfaction." And like Constantine Maroulis risen from the grave, Adam kinda rocked it in a very good over-the-top performance. It was pretty good over all, though. It was the second most entertaining performance of the night after Nick and Norman. Paula wanted to lay Adam down and make sweet love to him on the stage. (Maybe Randy did too.) It's pretty clear that the producers arrange the performances based on their rehearsals. Who did you like? Who did you hate? Who will keep you up at night?

American Idol Live Part 2: Annoying

Wednesday night's IDOL can be summed up in one word: ugh. It was a random whirl of commercialism with commercials. The AMERICAN IDOL EXPERIENCE at MGM/Disney in Florida!? I'm scared. Wednesday night's show was padded with faux FOX drama to the bursting point. Padding included losing contestants from last season, maybe as a way to say to tonight's losers, "See if you're nice to the producers, you may be able to milk this 15 minutes for a few more seconds." How does the whole wild card show work? Will Tatiana get yet another chance to show America her strong Latina side? Will Anoop who was narrowly beat out by deeply ingrained American racism be invited back for another chance? Who IS eligible for that? We'll find out...

... after the break!

American Idol Live Part 1: Messy

AMERICAN IDOL's first live show of the season was a technical and production nightmare. What a MESS! It speaks to Seacrest's talent as a show host that he's so easily able to roll with the punches. It got so bad at one point that a crew member could be heard shouting live on TV at Ryan, "Go to package! Go to package!" Despite the train wreck going on behind the scenes and in the audio booth, MOST of the contestants brought their "A" game. We'll see how Thursday night's show goes. It's on on the East Coast right now. But, let's gawk at Tuesday night's pileup. The musical arrangements are once again totally awful! The karaoke arrangements played by the invisible band don't help the contestants who are verging on karaoke performances. The band sounds like a cheap-ass back-up band at a wedding, bar mitzvah, or other budget celebration. A glassy-eyed Paula Abdul dripping in her own jewelery designs (available on HSN.com) delivered some bad news on Tuesday night, so all the judges got in a few punches. A few of of the contestants even deserved their lumps. I haaated Stevie Wright who butchered a Taylor Swift song. Is that like pooping on poop? She rushed through the song like she had someplace to be. And when Ryan Seacrest throws you a full-on pity party in the "red room" you know your days are numbered. Also awful was Brent Keith's half-hearted "Hicktown" attempt at grabbing the hick vote. I didn't hate Casey Carlson the first time I watched her sing "Every Little Thing HE Does is Magic" by the Police. It could be a pop single in Europe, but the more I thought about it (and watched it again) it seemed like an admission that she didn't really have any knowledge of musical history. I'm old. Sue me. My favorites were (in no particular order) Anoop's Monica cover (sooo sexy!), Stephen Fowler's "Rock With You" which the judges haaaated, Sexy religious widower Danny sang the F#CK out one of my favorite songs, and even Tatiana was good. When did she become a strong (sane) Latina?! She could actually sing, but it did seem like she was a completely different person. How do you solve a problem like Tatiana? FOX made her look like an unholy freak of nature in the pre-taped summer auditions, and then the judges are surprised when Tatiana reels it in and presents herself a bit more professionally?! Humph! So let's see what happens on Wednesday, potatoes!