Friday, December 28, 2007

TV, why hath thou forsaken me?!

Uuuugh, the TV doldrums! There is NOTHING on TV. I went to the TiVo to fetch my metaphoric dog a bone, and the TiVo was bare! BARE! Janice Dickinson couldn't even poop out a new Christmas special and has been re-running last year's train wreck on Oxygen. Catch it if you want to feel naughty and nice simultaneously. It is on at least 25 times every day. Props, though to Janice AND Oxygen for NOT blurring the male ass. For all that show's other faults, at least they know who their audience is. That brings the non-ass-blurring networks to a grand total of 2: Oxygen (the network for women) and Spike (the network for men who like women). All the rest of you other networks can kiss my blurry ass crack!

So, of the "nothing" on TV, I don't recommend SMASH LAB (Discovery), the MYTHBUSTERS rip-off that's is like what MYTHBUSTERS would be like if Jaimie, Adam, Grant, Tori, and Carrie (sorry about the spelling!) all suffered permanent brain damage. I mean, it's retards with explosives permits! That can't be good. They strain to give their explosions some scientific or social relevance, but it's kinda like Bevis and Butthead blow up things and then try to rationalize it later. The hired explosives expert seems embarrassed to be captured on video associated with this giggle-fest of pyromaniacs. What's the word for explodomaniacs? Hey, hey dude! Pass me the bong and another stick of dynamite!

Props to Regis and Kelly for at least pre-recording some "live banter" to tack on to the front of each of their rerun shows this week. Thanks, you guys really are true professionals.

Since THE VIEW isn't so motivated and is just running some tired old repeats this week, I'm finally getting a chance to check out Drew Carey as the blasphemous new host of THE PRICE IS RIGHT. Could they not have made an animatronic Bob Barker? And, why not?! I would prefer a new-media representation of Bob Barker to a new host. I feel quite sure that given enough time and computer power I could create new episodes of TPIR with old footage of Bob Barker and new contestants. Ok, so we're stuck with Drew. It's a wonder he didn't lose more than just a finger so far. The poor guy is stumbling all over that treacherous set. I guess it will take him some time to get his TPIR-legs. So many things are flashing and rotating and dropping down out of the ceiling. Luckily, he's got a GREAT sense of humor about the show. He makes fun of the insane porcelain dog statues and the model's nutty costumes. He even makes fun of the contestants in a good-natured way. The groovy set has been slightly re-tuned, and the best that can be said is that it's hit-or-miss. But, mostly they just fine-tuned the original horror. The one exception is the showcase showdown podiums which could induce spontaneous epilepsy in even the colorblind. So, I recommend TPIR if THE VIEW is too lazy to tape 10 minutes of gibberish just to let us know those dried up old hags still care.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Snow! Snow! Snow!

People in Seattle tend to get excited about snow because it rarely ever snows here. Or, at least it didn't used to. It would go 2-3 years without ANY snow, and in the past 2 years we've had record snowfall over and over.

We had a very white Christmas, which I'm told by the TV Newsbots is a once-in-twenty-years event. My photo (top left) shows the midday snow squalls on Christmas Day. Not much stuck to the streets, but the sidewalks and yard got a healthy dose of powder. It didn't last long.

The BIG snow (so far) was on December 1st. (See photo number 2) I got stuck driving in this storm which stuck to streets and made hills a nightmare for a few hours. It took me about an hour to get home from a part of town that is usually about 20 minutes away.

It's snowing again right now for the third day in a row. Just in time for rush hour! Luckily just about everyone in Seattle is on vacation (or just not at work).

Monday, December 24, 2007

Trapped in My Own Reality

I hesitate to post about the AMAZING RACE for two reasons. 1.) I don't want this blog to be just about reality TV, and 2.) kvetching about AR is like shooting fish in a barrel these days. I want to like AR more, but they really haven't "enhanced" the race model in years. The teams all still get all bunched up on the same bus, boat, or barge. I think it's time to really mix up the AMAZING RACE and throw some curves at the racers. I mean, the producers have got the entire globe to play with and we've still got 8 teams on he same bus to a showdown at the Biggest Ball Of Twine. Of course, I realize it's difficult to produce a race contest using transportation in a post-9/11 world. I know that if I see a dirty hippy running through an airport these days, I'm heading right out the door and canceling my plans to fly. There must be a way to make the legs last over a series of episodes where some teams get trapped in a cave or stuck on a Jet Blue plane for 10 hours without and food, air, rights, or water. I think they should also do a season of relationships on the verge: folks who just got or are getting divorced, estranged relatives, and/or former litigants on Judge Judy.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Holiday Reality Wrap-Up

Welcome to my first blog ever. Since TV is my life, most of my posts will be about what I've seen on TV. I decided that rather than yelling at my TV, I'd put it into words here.

I loved KID NATION, even though I think kids are evil little bastards who should live in cages until they're 18 (or in some cases 21). I thought the show did a good job of keeping things interesting even though not much happened and no one was ever eliminated. CBS really blew it by not having a parent/child reunion show! The biggest disappointment was not getting to meet Taylor's parents. I would have LOVED to see them watch their demon daughter on TV and try to explain their parenting "skills."

Sue me, but I still love SURVIVOR. Yes, it's tired, yet with every episode the editing consistently creates tension and I find my heart pounding at every tribal council. On the down side, what is the DEAL with the blurring of body parts?! Hey, since when did the 1 inch top of some guy's butt crack become an obscene, blur-able offense? Oh right, ever since Janet Jackson decided to ruin it for the rest of us. Why don't they give the survivors a "uniform" to wear when they toss them off the boat at the beginning? They could come up with some Mormoney singlet with extra padding over the "privates" to ensure that no part or portion of the human body is shown. This season's finale was particularly interesting because of the LACK of drama. Most contestants seemed able to separate back-stabbing from game-play. Except, of course, for Denise who'd just been --in her mind-- viciously back-stabbed. I still can't believe the number of people who go on that show who have never even been outside before in their lives! IF I was ever going to go on SURVIVOR -- and the only reason I would is weight loss-- I would spend at least a few hours at a camping store at the mall learning how to build (and light) a fire. Congrats to the adorable Todd bringing home another win for the sisters!

THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN BAND was the show I was embarrassed to tell anyone I was watching this season. It was a guilty pleasure, but it was pretty fun. My favorite part was that the contestants really changed up the arrangements of the covers they played. AMERICAN IDOL bores me to tears when they sing the same damn songs the same damn way again and again. Blake was great because he mixed it up. The bands on TNGAB were all really game to try out different styles, and the finale was spectacular because all the bands played together in a GIANT medley of what would have been BORING Xmas tunes. But, it was really great to see the "kid rockers" playing with the "bluegrass band" and the "hipper-than-thou indie band." Good job, TNGAB. And, if Paula ever does finally lose her tenuous grip on "reality," Sheila E would kick SO much ass on AI! Randy could be the nice one, and Sheila and Simon could "tell it like it is."

And, finally, CLASH OF THE CHOIRS. I almost didn't watch COTC because I thought that the show would be all, "Jesus this!" and "Praise that!" but the arrangements were pretty good and the song selections were great. Having said that, my favorite numbers were mostly the "inspirational" songs. Patti LaBelle KILLED IT on the first night, but then kinda never topped that number. Where as Nick Lachey (see Top 5 Husbands list to the right) got better and better (and not just because he's my unknowing fiancé). I also think that despite Patti LaBelle's considerable excellence at directing her choir, the fact is more young people vote in reality competitions. I was impressed by Maria Menonous' ability to keep that bloated tearfest of a show on its feet for four nights. I want just a li'l sniff of whatever she was on! Tracey Morgan may have shot his career in the ass with his drugged out, confused appearances on the finale. He only had to hold it together for a total of 2 minutes, and it looked painful for him to stay conscious and/or interested. And, of course, my final complaint is the INSANE decision to incorrectly list the finale on TiVo. How many people missed the final HOUR of the 7 hour mini-series? Thank goodness, I noticed the time-switch before it was too late!

Hey, PROJECT RUNWAY, F#CK YOU! 3 episodes and then 2 weeks off?! You fully suck!

Did I miss anything? What were you watching last week?