TV, why hath thou forsaken me?!

Uuuugh, the TV doldrums! There is NOTHING on TV. I went to the TiVo to fetch my metaphoric dog a bone, and the TiVo was bare! BARE! Janice Dickinson couldn't even poop out a new Christmas special and has been re-running last year's train wreck on Oxygen. Catch it if you want to feel naughty and nice simultaneously. It is on at least 25 times every day. Props, though to Janice AND Oxygen for NOT blurring the male ass. For all that show's other faults, at least they know who their audience is. That brings the non-ass-blurring networks to a grand total of 2: Oxygen (the network for women) and Spike (the network for men who like women). All the rest of you other networks can kiss my blurry ass crack!

So, of the "nothing" on TV, I don't recommend SMASH LAB (Discovery), the MYTHBUSTERS rip-off that's is like what MYTHBUSTERS would be like if Jaimie, Adam, Grant, Tori, and Carrie (sorry about the spelling!) all suffered permanent brain damage. I mean, it's retards with explosives permits! That can't be good. They strain to give their explosions some scientific or social relevance, but it's kinda like Bevis and Butthead blow up things and then try to rationalize it later. The hired explosives expert seems embarrassed to be captured on video associated with this giggle-fest of pyromaniacs. What's the word for explodomaniacs? Hey, hey dude! Pass me the bong and another stick of dynamite!

Props to Regis and Kelly for at least pre-recording some "live banter" to tack on to the front of each of their rerun shows this week. Thanks, you guys really are true professionals.

Since THE VIEW isn't so motivated and is just running some tired old repeats this week, I'm finally getting a chance to check out Drew Carey as the blasphemous new host of THE PRICE IS RIGHT. Could they not have made an animatronic Bob Barker? And, why not?! I would prefer a new-media representation of Bob Barker to a new host. I feel quite sure that given enough time and computer power I could create new episodes of TPIR with old footage of Bob Barker and new contestants. Ok, so we're stuck with Drew. It's a wonder he didn't lose more than just a finger so far. The poor guy is stumbling all over that treacherous set. I guess it will take him some time to get his TPIR-legs. So many things are flashing and rotating and dropping down out of the ceiling. Luckily, he's got a GREAT sense of humor about the show. He makes fun of the insane porcelain dog statues and the model's nutty costumes. He even makes fun of the contestants in a good-natured way. The groovy set has been slightly re-tuned, and the best that can be said is that it's hit-or-miss. But, mostly they just fine-tuned the original horror. The one exception is the showcase showdown podiums which could induce spontaneous epilepsy in even the colorblind. So, I recommend TPIR if THE VIEW is too lazy to tape 10 minutes of gibberish just to let us know those dried up old hags still care.