Idle

I usually don't muse on the AMERICAN IDOL "results" "show" because it's 2-3 minutes of entertainment packaged in a 60 minute snoozapalooza with 30 minutes worth of commercials and "plugs." I tivo through it so quickly that it's like I never watched it. Ryan Seacrest --at this point-- is quickly becoming a parody of himself. The crazier and campier he gets, the more boring and kinda "see-through" he becomes.

I noticed that the "mosh pit" was basically standing still and chatting amongst themselves for MOST of Neil Diamond's performance until the very end. Most were probably whispering, "David Hasselhoff doesn't look so good and what the hell is he singing about?!"

Cheesus Castro is around for another week?! UGH! That hurts me. Spoiler ahead...

BUT, Brooke "Whitey" White was FINALLY sent packing! AND, she went down in flames that her tears couldn't extinguish. Whitey literally squawked a few bars of "I Am I Said," and then just walked upstage and --we can all assume-- lost her crap. It was a train wreck of epic proportions. My jaw was hanging open for much of her "farewell." Now she can go back to her day job as Melody, drummer and blond songstress for Josie and The Pussycats.

Through With The View

Ok, here is my 3 day countdown to turning off THE VIEW. I've had it with Hasselcoulter!
She's ruined the show for me, and neither Joy nor Whoopi can stand out over her broken record shriek of "John McCain! Reverend Wright! John McCain! Reverend Wright! Terrorism! John McCain! Reverend Wright! John McCain! Reverend Wright! Terrorism! John McCain! Reverend Wright!" Joy and Whoopi tried their best today, but Hasselcoulter still came back with, "John McCain! Reverend Wright! John McCain! Reverend Wright!" She has turned THE VIEW into a Fox News morning chat show, and Barbara Walters has got TWO days left to fix it! One --actually-- since the Friday show is usually taped Wednesday or Thursday. THE PRICE IS RIGHT here I come! Drew Carey is pretty funny, and the contestants are really what make the show. TPIR is a more positive way to start the day. Cute boys! Strange prizes! The morbidly obese! "Fashions!" And, happiness!! No fighting!! No John McCain!!

American Idol Pity Vote Top 5

Paula looks like she's wearing a satellite that partially burned up on re-entry. Perhaps it was on a return trip to Earth from her home planet.

Ok, I love Neil Diamond. Who doesn't?! But, um, he is the only person who can pull off his cheesy songbook. Wow, Neil Diamond looks great. Kenny Rogers wishes he had Neil Diamond's plastic surgeon!

Jason Castro - Forever In Blue Jeans - I stand corrected. Cheesus Castro pulled off a decent Neil song since her doesn't care about looking like a big cheeseball. And his utterly forgettable voice kinda fit that song. OMG, I didn't hate a Cheesus Castro performance on IDOL. Stand by for the plague of locusts and raining frogs.

September Morn - Keeping in the cheesy vein, Cheesus Castro whispered and whined his way through a... love? song. It's like he was singing it to the morn and not to his lover whoever he or she may be. This is the Jesus Castro I hate and don't get. My #1 vote to go home this week.

David Cook - I'm Alive - He can rock anything. He even laid on a little cheese in honor of Neil. But, damn, he is just so sexy in a weird way. I guess I'm attracted to DC in the same way I'm attracted to his alien twin, Morbo the newscaster on FUTURAMA. It's and ugly cute like a pug or Kate Hudson.

All I Really Need Is You - Hmmmm, not loving this song/performance.

Brooke White - I'm A Believer - Aaaaaaaugh! She is annoying to the very core of her soul and the marrow in her bones is boring and grating and insecure. Also, she can not sing. If I wanted to see a deer in the headlights, I'd go for a drive. I'm NOT a believer. I CAN'T believe this nutty fruitbat is still on the show!

I Am I Said - Aaaaaaaaugh! Have I mentioned lately how much Brooke drives me crazy? She is a nightmare and a trainwreck. Watching her "perform" is like watching a really tall stack of fragile dishes being carried on the back of a donkey. She needs to go back to being the drummer in Josie and the Pussycats.


Monchuleta - Sweet Caromumble - Was it me or did he not really know any of the words to that song? And the few words he could remember didn't seem to be in tune or in some cases in order.

America - After watching this cheesy plate of nachos, I won't be able to poop for a week! I hope Monchuleta's tour is sponsored by Metamucil. He won the song choice lottery by getting the week's patriotic vote hogging song. I really did not feel the Monchuleta love this week.

Syesha - Daaaamn!! She is BRINGIN' IT here in the top 5! She looks sweet and beautiful, but she is -- as Randy would say -- "in it to win it, dawg!"

Thank The Lord For The Nighttime - Hells to the YES! Girlfriend brought the funk and fierce to her closing number. I was throughly entertained by BOTH of Syesha's performances. She kicked the MOST ass tonight.

My Top 5 (based on tonight's performances in order):
1. Syesha
2. David Cook
3. Monchuleta
4. Oh hell! Both Brooke and Jason have got to go!
5. See above.

Where's Whoopi?!

Where is the Whoopi Goldberg we all loved and knew? She's not the Whoopi Goldberg who's co-hosting THE VIEW this season. I have loved Whoopi for as long as I can remember. I support her. I respect her intelligence and I value her honesty. I stopped buying ALL Slim-Fast products when they fired her for a political ant-Bush joke. I wrote them an angry letter and shredded the coupons they sent in response. I thought she was unfairly trashed for her turn at hosting The Oscars. We'll look back one day and see that she worked that show for all it was worth and did some funny bits that were lost in the shuffle. I was damned excited when Whoopi began guest hosting THE VIEW. She was a natural. Whoopi's done stage, movies, radio, and TV. She KNOWS her way around "the biz." And, she's a fighter who isn't afraid to "bring it." She had a late night talk show in the 90's that ran for 200 episodes. On one episode Whoopi said to a former KKK leader who was at the time head of WAR, the White Aryan Resistance: ''So, let me get this straight, you think nonwhites should be strongly encouraged to have abortions, and whites should not.'' Metzger nodded "yes." Goldberg smiled warmly, said in a low voice, ''Somethin' to think about'' and then went to commercial. I can't believe that a woman who would have a KKK/WAR leader on her talk show can't take on Elizabitch Hasselcoulter. Maybe it's because she's old now. She just doesn't have the energy to look that screaming blond harpy in the face and shout her back down. Rosie did, and it almost killed her. I hoped Whoopi could bring even more "weight" to the table when she joined the show, but she can't compete with the blond monster at the end of the table. It's also becoming more clear that when Barbara is there, Elizabeth shuts her Republican robot pie-hole, and when Barbara's not there, she takes EVERY opportunity to pick a fight with Whoopi and occasionally Joy and Sherri. Whoopi, I know you're not reading this and that no one you know is reading this, but I hope that somehow you find your balls again and that you metaphorically stomp Elizabeth Hasselbeck into the ground. I want to see her cry, and I want you to laugh when she cries and then cut to a commercial. And, when you come back... no more L'il Annie Coultergeist on THE VIEW.

BITCHCON 5

Happy Monday, America. Elizabeth Hasselcoulter is quoting polls and surveys about black people to Whoopi and Sherri again telling them what they think. She just can not be wrong. And as soon as she gets backed into that illogical Republican corner, she comes out swinging, "John McCain! Reverend Wright! Bush is Lord! White power!" I'm ONE week from giving up on THE VIEW and switching over to THE PRICE IS RIGHT. Watching "Hot Topics" on THE VIEW is more and more like watching Fox News starring Elizabeth Hasselcoulter.

Yes! Yes! YES! The Mole Is BACK!

Praise be unto Disney for bringing back the BEST REALITY SHOW EVER! On Monday June 2, THE MOLE returns to ABC. Sadly, this incarnation is sans Anderson Cooper. That fact bums me out in a BIG way, but I'll sacrifice my sweet Coop for the return of at least ONE intelligent show on TV. BIG BROTHER this ain't! I am SO excited, and YOU should be too. The ABC website explains,

"Dubbed television's smartest reality show, ABC is bringing back "The Mole," featuring all-new missions, locations and music, plus online and mobile interactivity, enabling more viewer participation during the 10 episodes. Jon Kelley ("Extra," "The National Sports Report," "Baseball Today") is host.

"The Mole" follows a group of 12 players as they try to figure out who among them is The Mole, a saboteur trying to keep them from winning money. Players must decide who they think The Mole is and then learn as much about him or her as they can, because, at the end of each one-hour episode, the player who knows the least about The Mole is immediately eliminated from the game. In the final dramatic episode, The Mole is revealed and one of two final players wins a substantial cash prize.

"The Mole," based on the hit Belgian format, will be produced by Stone & Company Entertainment. The original series, produced by Stone Stanley Entertainment, was hosted by Anderson Cooper.

So, we'll see about this Jon Kelley character. He's got some mighty big track pants to fill. Cooper was really what made the show so smart. He really had to play the role of omnipotent tease and impartial guide on a crazy maze of clues and misdirects. I hope the new version doesn't dumb-down the razor sharp show for America's plummeting national average IQ. If it's 7/8 as good as the original there will FINALLY be a reason to watch TV until the next PROJECT RUNWAY in 3 years.

Lee Adama: Dick!

I don't remember what event or series of events made Lee Adama move from the job of fighter pilot --defending the fleet against their greatest enemy-- to city councilman Lee Adama of the Green Gaius Party --New New Caprica's very own traitor Ralph Nader? If he loves Gaius Baltar so much, why doesn't he marry him? Oh, right he can't because there are no gay people in the fleet. So, while Cylon Raiders are firing on the ship killing thousands, Lee Nader will be pounding his fists righteously on the conference room table demanding that they increase the .045% tax on Algae Juice Coolers. When what's left of the BATTLESTAR GALACTICA fleet arrives at Earth they'll be delivering to the ancient Egyptians Jesus Baltar, Lee Nader, and an "Eve" who's a robot nymphomaniac. Great! Thanks for that.

Of course, there is ONE thing Lee Nader has that Ralph Nader never did:

Regis Philbin's Underpants

Today was a rare, lucid day for (really) ol' Regis. He and Kelly had a very spirited host chat, which I encourage you to watch online if you have any time to waste today. Of PARTICULAR interest is the section from 8:15 to about 10:50 where they discuss padded male undergarments.

Sadly, It Wasn't Tyra

Argument over 'Top Model' TV show ends in stabbing

Story Published: Apr 24, 2008 at 3:52 PM PDT
Story Updated: Apr 24, 2008 at 3:52 PM PDT
http://www.komotv.com/news/local/18152854.html

By Associated Press

SEATTLE (AP) - An argument that broke out while several women were drinking beer and watching "America's Next Top Model" at a south Seattle apartment ended in a stabbing.

Police say one woman told another she was too loud Wednesday night and that led to punches thrown and hair pulled. During the fight one woman took a paring knife out of an apple and stabbed the victim.

Police spokeswoman Renee Witt says she was taken to Harborview Medical Center in serious condition.

Police are looking for the other woman.

BITCHCON 5

Whenever Barbara is away, Elizabitch goes ballistic. Today was no different. She just had to START the show by once again showing what an uptight racially insensitive bitch she is. At least Whoopi tried harder to take Elizabitch to task before Elizabitch just started shouting her down. People treat Anne Coulter like a psychotic social pariah and they give Elizabeth Hasselcoulter 10 minutes every morning on Disney/ABC to spout and shout her offensive, hate-filled Republican robot rhetoric.

Carly Smithson Victim of America's Sh*tty Taste in... Well, Just About Everything Lately

Carly Smithson? Really, America? NOT Brooke "I Can't Actually SING" White or Jason "Hey! I Can't Actually Sing Either" Castro?

Ok, So that's how it's gonna be?

Is DIEBOLD handling the American Idol voting? It's the ONLY way to explain George W. Bush getting "elected" the second time and Brooke White and Jason Castro still being on American Idol.

Recount! Recount! RECOUNT!

Is This Meant To Be Funny?

Finally, a song about Elizabeth Hasselcoulter. This video cracks me up! Is it supposed to?

Trying not to make Andrew Lloyd Webber songs sound "broadway"

I loves me some Broadway. Though, I'm really not a huge Andrew Lloyd Webber fan. I'll take Sondheim over Lloyd Webber and Bernadette Peters over Sarah Brightman ANY day!

Syesha - Audra McDonald watch out! Syesha really turned in a sexy and powerful performance. Most of all, it was entertaining. [Allison Janey sighting!!] The entertainment factor is something a few of the contestants just don't have. Speaking of which...

Jesus CATStro - NO! NO! NO! NO!
Memories?! There are some things that you can never un-see once you've sen them: 1) The Towers Falling, 2) Two Girls One Cup, and 3) Jason Castro blindly stumbling through what he suspected might be the lyrics to Memories. His performance was so whiny and simpering that even Betty Buckley would have thrown a maxi pad at him had she been there! I also love that Paula said, "I'm going to try to say..." Thanks for the warning, Paula.

Whitey - Not ONLY did Whitey pick the weak-ass song Andrew Lloyd Webber (and Tim Rice) HAD to write for Madonna for the EVITA movie, so she'd have something she could actually sing with her half a voice, but Whitey then proceeded to butcher the easiest song ALW ever wrote! She chunked the beginning, and she struggled to hit the "high" notes. When Paula is grasping for something nice to say.... OUCH!

Rick Schroeder sighting!!

Monchuleta - Wow! I was shocked -- absolutely shocked -- that Broadway's king of cheese and American Idol's prince of cheese didn't add up to a giant wad of super cheese. Monchuleta actually manned up and delivered a Timberlaked version of a ladysong from Phantom. Manchuleta pulled off a David Cook.



Paul Stanley sighting??

Carly - Daaaamn! Not an easy song, and she really rocked it. Once again, her performance was damned entertaining. I couldn't take my eyes off the TV.

David Cook - This was his gayest performance by a MILE! He's definitely got a future at that Phantom theatre in Vegas where they "workshopped." Thank goodness he can really sing or that performance would have been a Monchuleta-level cheese-fest. It came damn close. I prefer rocker David Cook. Don't get me wrong, I like some meat on my men, but when David Cook doesn't jump around on stage, his sexy paunch becomes more evident.

It is time for Whitey or Jason to go!

Elizabeth Hasselcoulter

Am I seeing double? Or triple? Cindy McCain, Elizabeth Hasselcoulter, and the reanimated corpse of Barbara Walters looked like a crazy fun house mirror reflection of one bleached out mid-west christian lady.

Did she really bring up that John McCain is a really good COOK?! After a week of recipe plagerism controversy?! Then later when Elizabeth gently raised the subject of the stolen recipes the McCain campaign posted as Cindy's family recipes, C McC spun the softball question into an advertisement for her forthcoming book.

Later we were treated to crazy Elizabeth's song about taking away all of her kid's security blankets and making up some story about the binky fairy. Maybe the binky fairy can come with an exit strategy for Iraq. Her kid is only 3 years old by the way. I had a blanket until I was like 14. Not all the time, but I gave it up when I was ready --not when my mother was ready. And, not when I was 3.

Elizabeth sucked up to Barbara so hard it's a wonder she didn't pass out when she was talking about Barbara's upcoming memoirs (which THE VIEW ladies apparently all have a copy of) which lead to another softball question about what was your hardest challenge. Blah blah blah.

It was almost more than I could bear. She dressed like Cindy McCain. She told a story about making her 3 year old cry for 3 days. But, because she kept her Republican robot rhetoric in her pants for most of the day, I'm only rating today Bitchcon 4. No one is more surprised than me. (Click on the Bitchcon icon to enlarge the image.)

Oh! And what a shock that for the 2nd time in a row on a "big political day" on THE VIEW Sheri "Flat Earth" Shepard wasn't on the show. You'll recall that Ms. Shepard missed John McCain day on THE VIEW too. Coincidence? You tell me...

BITCHCON 11! Cindy McCain on The View

I only watched the first 45 seconds of THE VIEW, and I couldn't handle it! Elizabeth Hasselcoulter and Cindy McCain were dressed almost identically. After seeing that, and the reanimated corpse of Barbara "...but as an employee of ABC News, I'm not allowed to express my opinion..." Walters and C McC walking out arm in arm like two old ladies on their way to bingo, I had to save that mess for later on today after all my pills have kicked in.

Busier than Ryan Seacrest! Ok, no one is that busy.

Monday. Monday can suck it. I've got a bunch of stuff to do today, so I won't get much of a chance to blog. Until then, enjoy the following salad of clips.

CLIP ONE: "Such As"



CLIP TWO: One of my favorite fake SNL commercials from this season.



CLIP THREE: An oldie but goodie to get your day started off right. Really THINK about what you are wearing. Is it truly the perfect costume for today?

TGIF, and TGF Erykah Badu

Erykah Badu CRACKS me UP!

Blah Blah Blah

I wasn't really paying attention to today's THE VIEW, but I have to give Elizabeth props for
not asking Jenna Jameson some insane Christian propaganda question. I also have to say that Ms. Jameson came across GREAT! She has such a positive attitude and realistic world view. The clip from her "mainstream" film, ZOMBIE STRIPPERS was actually hilarious. What a day! Kim Cattrall and Jenna Jameson!

Now That's What I Call Results!

Kristy Lee cook got the boot last night on Idol. Now if you want to hear her, you'll have to buy her CD, "Devoted." Or you can listen to clips from the rising star who her management company says "looks like a blonde, blue-eyed Brook [sic] Shields, has an incredible voice and is the wholesome, All-American 'girl next door'. The entertainment world is in for a treat!" Many people consider deep fried chicken parts a treat. I do not. Tonight's bottom two was like Christmas come early for me! I wish they could have both gone home, but at least America validated my assessment of Brooke Whitey's caterwauling version of Mariah. I like all the songs I've heard so far on Mariah's new album. 18+ years in the business and the poor thing still can't dance a step. Her "hula hands" are getting more choreographed and expressive, though. All in all, I actually enjoyed what is usually a torturous results show.

Simmer Down Simon Cowell

I have loved Mariah Carey since her very first single when I was in college. I have never denied loving her music even when it has brought unwarranted ridicule down unto me. I narrowly missed sharing an elevator (2 floors) with her when I worked in the Sony Building. I have seen GLITTER at least a dozen times. It's funny, people. When I went to see it in the theatres, the audience at the Meridian consisted of me, my least favorite ex-bf, and a homeless dude who kept moving around to different sections of the theatre. This was opening week. Anyway, I enjoyed her fall from grace into straight-up crazy-bitch-town, and I've LOVED her rise back to the top of the charts. And, perhaps now people will see how difficult it is to sing her songs.

Monchuleta - His cheese train just keeps on rolling along. He has a great voice, but it's so plain and uninteresting.

Carly Smithsimon - I think she KILLED it! LOVED it!

Syesha Houston - She will F*CK you UP, if you mess with her!

Whitey McSnooze - This song always makes me laugh because one time it came on after I'd been to Subway subs, and there really was a hero inside of me. And, once again Whitey McSnooze took a song that I truly love and clawed her way through it like a cat trying to get out of a burlap bag!

KFC - Yikes! The slow parts were dreadful. She can kinda belt out the big notes, but nowhere near Mariah's level. She could have at least "countrified" the song to make it less boring. I agree with Simon.

Ramiele Malubay sighting!

David Cook - THANK G-D FOR DAVID COOK! Why does every single other Idol contestant copy the original so closely? DC is taking risks that are really paying off. At least someone is! Now that Aussie McHotty is gone, David Cook is my #1 favorite! Awww, and he got choked up. What a sweetie.

Jesus Castro - Ok, he switched up the song, but I still don't like him. He's whiny. Or clammy or something. He should be playing hackey sack with his buds on the quad. WHY do people like him?! Can someone tell me?

My top three:
1. David Cook
2. Carly Smithsimon
2. Syesha Houston

Everyone else:
1. Can go to hell

Please for the love of all that's good and true send Whitey or KFC home, America! Also, Paula needs a slight medication adjustment. She was OK for the first few weeks of the show, but she's really starting to act nutty again. Yay! More Mariah tomorrow!!

Where are your tax dollars going... today?

The 2009 Federal Budget is a pretty difficult read. Not a fun 25 pound book to drag to the beach. Luckily for you and me, Jess Bachman, a hotty freelance graphic designer residing in Burlington Vermont (if you see him, tell him I love him!), created "Death and Taxes" a new and - somehow - exciting visual representation of the Federal Budget.

The Martha Stewart Show website had this to say about his recent appearance on her show, "His poster, "Death and Taxes," illustrates the president's budget request for 2009. The budget is debated, amended, and approved by Congress, ideally by October 1, to begin the fiscal year. (The budget fluctuates yearly according to the wishes of the president and the power of Congress.) Although all of the information contained in the poster is available at the Office of Management and Budget at whitehouse.gov, it is thousands of pages long and uses confusing terminology. Thus, Jess wanted to create something that was easier, allowing people to easily compare and contrast information, and come to some realizations. For example, although it may sound wonderful that the National Cancer Institute will get $4.8 billion next year, it's only about half of what the Missile Defense Program is getting. So cancer, which is the No. 1 killer in the U.S., is trumped by the Administration's desire to protect us from rogue missiles."

You can get a peek at the ultra-nifty poster here.



You may notice that the $189 billion Defense Department budget was increased 9%. The Safe and Drug Free schools programs were decreased 59%, and the Historically Black Colleges fund was decreased 26%. The $29 billion National Institutes of Health budget (y'know the ones that cure cancer and AIDS) was not increased. The Department of Health is decreased by 2%. The Department of Education (education for disabled kids and colleges and universities) was not increased. IRS enforcement was increased 6%. At one time, the US had no debt. Lately, the national debt has continued to increase an average of $1.67 billion per day since September 29, 2006. Our national debt is now up to $10.15 trillion, an 8 percent increase from last year. Congresspeople earn $200,000 per year. Happy April 15th!

You're right, Elizabeth. About EVERYthing.

Everyone was in such a lather today that Elizamonster barely got a pauseless-tirade in today. Go, Whoopi! Go! Whoopi had a few pauseless-tirades which I QUITE enjoyed today!

Duck and cover!

Who didn't Elizabitch try to shout down today?! She got into it with Joy, "John McCain! Reverend Wright! John McCain! Reverend Wright!" She got into it with Whoopi, "John McCain! Reverend Wright! John McCain! Reverend Wright! John McCain! Reverend Wright! John McCain! Reverend Wright! John McCain!" All morning. Every segment, "Reverend Wright! John McCain! Reverend Wright! John McCain! Reverend Wright! John McCain! Reverend Wright!" This has REALLY got to stop!

Barbara Walters, are you reading this? Reel in that Anne-Coulter-on-Prozac nightmare, Elizamonster Hasselbitch. She's intollerable. Today really reminded me of the altercation that drove the usually unflappable Rosie O'Donnell from the show. How many wonderful, strong women will Elizabeth drive away with her shouting righteousness?!

Wiig iis Jamie Lee Curtis

I can't even explain it. You just have to see it. Kristin Wiig spoofing Jamie Lee Curtis' Activia commercials. Here's an excerpt.


How does she even DO this?! Later, she was Judy Grimes on Weekend Update. Here's a taste:

Noooooooo! (pant pant) Nooooooooooo!

Michael "The Fox" Johns is gone?!?! Nooooooooo! I didn't see the show because it was up against SURVIVOR (or THE OFFICE). I had to hear it from Kelly Ripa this morning while I was checking my email. Just like every gdamn reality show, the hotties get voted out first! I loved his version of "Dream On" on Tuesday night. It was totally rockin' yet fairly inspirational. And, now I don't get to watch him every week. Damn you, tweenage text-happy American Idol voters! Why didn't you send Teri Hatcher home?!?!

McCain on The View

No one was more surprised than me that Elizabeth was on her best behavior today. And, I have to say that John McCain seemed to answer questions pretty straight forwardly. I didn't feel like he was trying to "redirect" too much. I still don't believe that McCain will "get" Osama Bin Laden. I do believe he would continue the horrific slide backward into the Middle Ages that Bush started America on in 2000. Despite his litany of areas where he claims to disagree with Bush. I think it's their similarities that worry me. I thought that Whoopi and Joy both asked really good personal questions, but let me off a little bit easy on his answers about womens rights and his vote against a national MLK day holiday.

Idol Gives Back

Holy crap! Maria Shriver looked SO lifelike on IDOL GIVES BACK. I saw her just last week, and she looked a little gaunt. But, last night it looked as if she'd eaten. Something. At some point.

Also... Teri Hatcher? Who knew she could sing?! I would have LOVED to have been at THAT meeting. "Who are we going to get to sing 'Next Time He Cheats' on Idol Gives Back?" "Oh, I know, Teri Hatcher!" "Of course!" I will say that she was better than most of the idol contestants last night.


I've never been a big fan of Fergie until she was throwing down with Anne and Nancy Wilson. That's the BEST she's ever sounded to me. Victoria Beckham has the BEST haircut in the history of the world. It's spooky. It's major. And, speaking of major, Annie Lennox just blows me away. She just gets better and better the more and more she looks like my mother. The Simon Cowell mini-roast by Jimmy Kimmel was perfect! It certainly got Paula spazticated. What's with Paula wearing her boobs up around her neck this week? Celine Dion better watch the fuck out because Carrie Underwood is GUNNING for her. She looked and sounded phenomenal! Thank you, Exxon/Mobil, for using my $3.69 per gallon fleecing to help cure malaria in Africa. I'm glad that money is coming out of MY pocket instead of yours, CEO Rex Tillerson. There were SO many great clips with big stars shedding light on serious issues. It's great that IDOL does this 2 1/2 hour show to raise money, but why don't they do more similar segments throughout the season? And, then after Brad Pitt and Daughtry, TiVo pdinged off, so I have no idea how the show ended.

Bitchcon 3

Inspired to Nap by American Idol

Usually I wish that AMERICAN IDOL was 2 hours long every week. FOX is high for not milking more time from this juggernaut, but tonight I could have done with a lot LESS. After the first two songs, it was all downhill. Very downhill. I was clearly watching a different show than the judges.

Michael Johns [aka Chris Daughtry with hair] - What a way to open the show! Great song choice. He just gets foxier every week. He rocked the ascot without the Charles Nelson Reilley vibe.

Syesha Mercado [aka Tamyra Gray] - Daaaamn. Risky song choice, but I think she pulled it off.

Jason Castro [aka Justin Guarini] - I don't even have the words to express how much this kid bugs the crap out of me. Were the judges watching the same performance I was? I just don't... I just... Is it me?

KLC [Kellie Pickler with just a dash of Carrie Underwood] - I still don't like her, but at least she doesn't sound as bad as she used to.

David Cook [aka Blake Lewis with just a dash of extra testosterone] - Hmmm. Normally, I love love love Morbo-- I mean David Cook. But, this week, he sounded like Monchuleta: confusing lowest common denominator cheesy with inspirational. It was very "theme parky." Bad song choice.

Carly Smithson [aka Laura Branigan] - What is up this week? Everyone who usually sounds good sounds lame. And all the dead weight stepped up. I was not loving Carly's wailing Branigonian rendition of Queen. It wasn't powerful.

Monchuleta - I can't take it any more! Every week he's SO cheesy. This week was no different. I am NOT watching the same show as the judges.

Whitey White McWhitey - [aka a wet rag] Brooke picks great songs and then bores me into a coma by singing them. Also, she looks distractingly constipated most of the time.


My top three:
1. Michael Johns!!
2. Ramielle
3. Chickeze
(I did like Syesha too)

My Bottom three:
1. Monchuleta
2. KFC
3. Jesus Castro

Mixed Bag of Crazy

Today was a mixed bag of crazy on THE VIEW. Because she wasn't a raving psycho throughout the entire show, I was tempted to only go to BITCHCON 4 today. But during the first 10 minutes of the show when Elizabeth was once again trying to defend "the surge" to Barbara Walters, I just could not believe how much Republican propaganda flies out of her mouth. She sounds like Anne Freaking Coulter! Her mouth just keeps moving so that nothing can get in through her ears, and she just exhausts the other panelists (and me) with her relentless parroting of the Bush/Cheney/McCain talking points. It's kind of sad this season that Elizabeth and Sheri, who are each grossly ignorant in her own way, do the majority of the talking on the show. Sheri went on and on about how "confused" she was about the pregnant man. Joy made a great point about how a lot of "normal" families raise "messed up" kids, and that it shouldn't matter if the kid has two moms, two dads, a grandmother and her transexual lover, as long as the kid is raised with love, it doesn't matter. But, Sheri wasn't having it. This season of THE VIEW is starting to make me want to switch back to watching THE PRICE IS RIGHT. At least the crazy bitches screaming on that show just won a car and aren't trying to scream a Republican or strictly Christian lifetstyle down my throat.

Charlie's Angels Get Deloused

Will the miracles of the Internet never cease?! Thanks to my blog-buddy Doodlewhore for introducing me to Hulu, where you can watch a LOT of TV shows in really good quality with limited commercial interruption. Please to enjoy the best moment in 70's TV history from the 4th episode of the 1st season of CHARLIE'S ANGELS: "Angels in Chains." Click on the lower right hand corner of the viewer for more options.

She's Baaaaack!

Yes, Elizabeth. Of course YOU are THE authority in a discussion comparing two black Reverends and Community Leaders and their statements about their communities over 4 decades. Can you shut up and LISTEN during ONE conversation that you have NO business even participating in?!

Whoopi and Sheri brought up a VERY interesting comparison of Reverend Jeremiah Wright and Dr. Martin Luther King. It was a new viewpoint I haven't heard during the past few weeks of intense Obama/Rev. Wright coverage. The two mens words are eerily similar 4o years apart. But, instead of discussing the fascinating new idea/topic, the entire segment was spent trying to shut Elizabitch up. It's really becoming quite sad. Elizabeth should have her own show on Fox News and THE VIEW should find an informed, educated co-host to fill Elizabeth's seat.

Anderson Cooper Penis Bump!

On Friday's LIVE WITH [whoever] & KELLY, Anderson Cooper giggled his way through the show with his usual girlish glee, and then when they got to the exercise segment of the show, I started to giggle with girlish glee. Anderson "Super Duper" Cooper's family jewels were on full display in the shiny track pants he wore (picked out -- no doubt -- by the barely-straight Gelman). Though he protested and refused to do the more risque movements contorted by Kelly "1% body fat" Ripa, Mr. Cooper's package was clearly visible through much of the segment. It was almost as good as mens gymnastics. Until it gets taken down and/or I get sued, here's the best transfer I could make. I mean NO HARM in sharing this glorious moment in penis bump history. The people need to know this happened. Watch and enjoy.

Kristen Wiig Queen of Saturday Night

Once again, Kristen Wiig out-weirded herself last night on SNL. Her over-the-top, Sue, was on another planet all together. To out-weird Christopher Walken is quite a feat.

Free Hugs

In a city where few people will even make eye contact with you when you pass them on the street (even if you kinda know them), the following video makes a case that not everyone in Seattle is a passive-aggressive introvert.

Will someone give Joy Behar the goddamned Nobel Peace Prize already!?!

Jesus christ! What does Joy Behar have to do to get the Nobel Peace Prize already. What that poor woman has had to put up with for eleven f*cking years!! She was with Starrr Jones longer than Starrr Jones was with her "husband." She put up with Debbie Matenopoulos and Starrr Jones at the same time for one or two seasons. She's had to watch the decomposing corpse of Barbara Walters deteriorate (up close). Meridith Viera was a live wire, and usually a good "straight man" for Joy's biting humor. She and Rosie stood strong against Evil Elizabitch Hasselspaz for a year, and only Joy survived.

Not only did she survive, but she's really picked up the torch where Rosie threw it down in disgust. I expected Whoopi to take on Elizabeth more, but Whoopi realized simultaneously -- I think -- that Elizabeth a) isn't worth the trouble, and b) won't really let her get a word in edgewise. Whoopi has enough to do keeping the show on track without going 'round and 'round with Republican robot Elizabeth "John McCain!! John McCain!!" Hasselbeck.

Hopefully, the decomposing corpse of Barbara Walters realizes soon that Elizabeth is just Anne Coulter in better clothes. The show could have so much better discourse if Elizabeth had two or three settings. But, since she doesn't, let's replace her with someone who is intelligent and informed rather than knee-jerk and repetitive.

Ever since she hit BITCHCON 5 on March 24 and then hit BITCHCON 4 on March 28, I think someone at THE VIEW sat Elizabeth down and told her to cool her Republican robot jets.  Only time will tell, and hopefully Joy Behar will still be there to celebrate.  She's damn funny.  She speaks her mind.  And, she's had to put up with a LOT in the past 11 years.  Joy Behar is LONG overdue for a week-long celebration of THE BEST OF JOY!  Let her book the guests she wants.  Let her run the show.  She's earned that right at least!  I'll be watching and waiting for Joy to rise and Elizabeth to fall.

Tonight is the night!!

It is RARE these days that a TV show returns

for a fourth season better than before, but

Friday night's BSG premiere was all that and

a bag of chips.

Bye Bye Malubay

:-(

Gossip! Gossip! Gossip! David Cook in the hospital! Ryan Seacrest hobbled! Good Day LA is scary!!

Don't live in LA? Wanna feel like you do? Watch (as much of) this (as you can stand). It's GOOD DAY LA's IDOL wrap-up from last night's show.

American Idol: Dolly Parton Brings The Smokey Mountain Love

Dolly is a national treasure. I would have liked a little more time with Dolly and a little less with Simon, Randy, and Paula. How can Paula go from looking like a reject from MAD MAX last week to looking like a soft, beautiful flower this week.

Brooke White - I love Dolly Parton. I've listened to her music for my whole life. So, I was hoping that the American idols would put a new spin on Dolly's classics. Brooke started out with a 3/4 assed performance that sounded a lot like Dolly's version only not as good or honest. Brooke is just putting me to sleep.

David Cook - With his 13 year-old's go-tee, he kinda looks like David Faustino from MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. It wasn't my favorite performance from D. Cook, but he's still the guy to beat!

Ramielle Malubay - I'd pay to see a Dolly and Ramielle duet. Together, they're almost 5 feet of power. Whoever is dressing Ramielle should be shot in the face. Despite her potato sack-like shortsveralls outfits, Ramielle sounded great, and even "sold" sounding country! My Malubay is back!!

Jason Castro - Zzzzzzz. John Mayer called and he wants his "vibe" back. P.S. - Dreads make Jesus cry.

Kelly Clarkson -- ahem! I mean Carly Smithson, is really giving David Cook a run for his money. She's not as creative as he is, but she sounds incredible. She just takes a song and sings the CRAP out of it! Kelly Clarkson was a waitress with a heart of gold who just opened her mouth and sang to the back of the balcony, and Carly Smithson is walking that some path. And, excuse my gay ass, but who is Simon Cowell to give fashion advice?!

Monchuleta - Hmmmm. Ok, he can sing the CRAP out of any song, but he keeps picking the goofiest songs to sing. I didn't care for this selection at all. He sounded SO "disney," and not in the good way.

KLC - Speaking of rags, who made that dress? Another example of an idol trying to mimic the original song and just not sounding as good or as honest. KLC will be doing this song on her State Fair Tour in 2009. Girlfriend, put some shoes on!

Syesha Houston - Kinda a weird version of the song. The timing kinda threw me, but sister knocked it out of the stadium at the end! She looks great. She sounds great. I hope she sticks around a little bit longer.

Michael Johns - He looked a little Charles Nelson Reilly, but sounded SO damn sexy! He sounded sorta like Jim Morrison and Joe Cocker in a bag with a cat (in a good way).

My Top 3:
1. Carly
2. Michael Johns
3. Ramiele

My Bottom 3:
1. KLC
2. Monchuleta
3. Jesus Castro

Who should go? KLC
Who will go? Syesha

Who did you vote for?