That's what millions of Americans heard last night after waiting (and wading) through the interminable commercial that was the AMERICAN IDOL season finale. TiVo and Fox did it again by cutting off the announcement of the winner of IDOL just as Ryan was finally getting around to saying it. My sister was apoplectic --and who can blame her?! After 90 bajillion votes, I wonder how many millions of TiVo viewers missed the announcement. Let your voices be heard! Let Fox and TiVo what you think of them (by posting it in the comments of my blog)!Anyway, for those of you who didn't waste your evening on 2 hours of Fox-grade crap, here's a wrap up.
The opening was once again WAY over the top. This is the end of IDOL not a boxing match, not a drag race, not the Olympics. Take the competition down a notch, people. Ryan looked to be wearing at least one set of false eyelashes on his top lids.
Once again, the choreography of the group numbers was AWFUL. You could see them counting in their heads. A few really stuck out as clods with 2 left feet. Amanda Overmyer and Monchuleta, I'm talking to you. Also, throughout the evening, the song arrangements were dreadful! They were either too fast, too slow, or so cheesy it made me feel dirty to hear them.
The David & David duet was missing one thing: a kiss at the end (or in the middle for that matter).
We ALL needed a five minute LOVE GURU commerical while were waiting for the Syesha/Seal duet. As soon as Seal came out they turned down Syesha's mic. I wonder if that's in Seal's contract.
Jason Castro "sang."
Ryan played Oprah by giving David & David each a Ford. Whichever David wins will be trading that Ford in for his first Porsche.
Then they made all the women dress up like whores and sing a few songs about whores while they were all counting in their heads probably thinking what whores they all are. Then when born again Donna Summer (Ryan introduced her as Donna SummerS. What an ass!) came out whore time was over and it was time to be vaguely inspirational while barely moving. Fun times! It was hilarious when Donna Summer realized how inferior Syesha's mic was, she handed her hers. What a pro. She's not bad for a born again Christian.
Carly Smithson and Michael Johns really seemed like two guests on the Glenn Campbell show from the 70's. I wanted to like them, but the Muppet Show-like arrangement was distracting.
Jimmy Kimmel was hilarious and right on! How odd that IDOL would actually make fun of itself right in the middle of the show. How meta. My favorite joke was when Jimmy said to Simon, "I wonder what your parents, Rosemary and Satan Cowell think of your success."
The "boys medley" was appropriately Chippendales-esque. Though, once again, it was tough to watch the guys clomp around the stage. And just when you think, "Gosh, I hope Bryan Adams isn't alive to see this," Bryan Adams appears to prove that Restilin really does work! He still looks like he just got out of a halfway house or a work-release program, but god bless him.
Then we were treated to a Jordan "Ugly Betty" Suarez commercial for the American Idol "Experience" at Disney World. Yikes!
One of the few things I liked about the show was the Cook and ZZ Top number. Cook rocked and ZZ Top looked into it --in as much as they ever look like they are into anything. With that in mind, how do we know those guys actually were ZZ Top? Couldn't they be like The Blue Man Group where they're not the same 3 blue guys but different ones all play the same characters? And if they aren't, shouldn't they be (and can I get a cut of that action)?
Brooke White appeared in a flashback I had about A MIGHTY WIND, and when I woke up David Cook was dancing around in his (alleged) underpants. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
Oh Christ! And then The Jonas Brothers showed up to make Jason Castro feel better about his singing and performing ability. At least none of them fell off the stage while they were squeaking their "music" to the spasmodic tween audience. I HATE those guys. In fact, I fast forwarded through a LOT of the show.
Then Jordan "Ugly Betty" Suarez came back and galloped across the stage in a gold lamé tent and people were all thinking, "Who is that?!" And, I was thinking, "Where the hell is Blake Lewis?!" He was in the audience... fully dressed. Lame.
For no apparent reason, IDOL then did something actually funny! They matched a clip of Gladys Knight and made The Pips Robert Downey Jr., Ben Stiller , and Jack Black. It was hilariously strange!! Robert Downey Jr. singing and dancing is foxy!
Then Carrie Underwood came out and showed what a god dammned American Idol is supposed to be like! She tore the stage UP, and she looked like a million bucks! Ashley Tisdale sighting!!
I was only mildly upset by the NAMBLA commercial with Monchuleta jumping around in his pajamas.
I was very upset my the massacre of the George Michael song book until Mrs. Michael herself came out and turned in a diva performance worthy of Annie Lennox earlier in the season. Even though she looks like Borat, Mrs. Michael has still got it.
And then... the LIVE results,
but first...
and then...
oh who cares!
Ok, I care! I was happy with the results. Chunky won over cheesy! I even set my TiVo for TWO MINUTES over, and it still cut off before the end of the show.
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