American Trainwreck

Because there's nothing else to talk about besides how unbelievably shitty we've allowed the world to become, let's talk about AMERICAN IDOL! With the money Fox spent on that terrible new opening to replace their old terrible opening, I could have bought a latte. Jesus Christ, Fox, could you spend a little dough on the opening credits of your most successful show ever? So, it appears that if Ryan were to ever actually slip and call Simon, "a Viagra popping old misanthrope" that Simon would retort by calling Ryan, "a homosexual." You could cut the sexual tension with a spork! Is it me or are they hinting SO hard that Ryan is gay that it's become a leitmotif of the series? I could have used a LOT less of Simon being a bitchy snatch to Paula and Ryan. It's one thing to be critical, but it's another thing to be a dick, Simon.

Syesha: Poor thing. She wasn't great, but could Paula --at least-- have given her minor props for being the first singer on that giant, confusing new set? She could be going home.

Chikeze: G-d damn! I love me some Chikeze! He turned that song OUT! His performance is what AMERICAN IDOL is all about.

Ramiele Malubay: Besides having the best name ever, Ramiele's song was BEAUTIFUL. 100% gorgeous and lovely. One of my favorites of the night! Booooo! to the back of the judges heads for not knowing a beautiful song when they hear one.

Jason Castro bugs the CRAP out of me! He's like an alien robot programmed to be cheesy.

Carly Smithson: Daaaamn. She really rocked it. The mark of a truly amazing singer is when they can sing a song where NONE of the words make ANY sense and still just rock it!

David Cook: He's good. And, he's cute in a good weird way, but I'm just not buying into him yet. He's a little too chainwallet for my taste.

Brooke White: Zzzzzzzz. Sniff sniff. Zzzzzzz.

David Hernandez: Did that queen really sing, "...I wouldn't [lap] dance with another... cause I saw HER standing there"!?

Amanda Overmyer: Rocked it!!

Michael Johns: First of all, this dude is stupid hot. He could sing the Koran and it would give me a boner. I just like to watch his lips move. Oh, and he can sing really good too.

Kristy Lee Cook: Her performance would have brought the house down at the CMAs, but here's another instance of all the judges saying (last week), "Yeah, dawg, go with the country vibe, dude." Then, this week she goes country and gets savaged by the judges (even Paula!). I liked it, and I don't love country music.

David Archuleta: Well, everyone's got to have one bad week. The paranoid schizophrenic in me wants to believe that the producers told him to mess it up, so it wouldn't be obvious that he's the winner. I don't want to sit through 12 weeks of this dreck if I already know who wins!

Who did you vote for?