ANTM: America's Next Total Monster

I know that saying Tyra Banks done lost her damn mind is like saying the sky is blue, but did she REALLY have to call Nikesha anorexic to her face in front of all the other girls before she kicked her off the show? That was just cruel, even for a heartless nutjob like Tyra. On a happier note, I'm still glad to see Isis in the running. And, I can say this because I'm gay, I hope that Hannah goes home before Isis so that when she's home in uptight bigoted Alaska, she has to tell everyone that she is uglier than a pre-op tranny (and then explain to everyone (including aunty Sarah Palin) what a pre-op tranny is). And, gurl, batten down the hatches because this week is makeover week! The tears! The drama! The dye!

A Lesson in Geography from Top Design

It looks like Project Runway and sounds like Project Runway... there's a blond woman with an accent kicking people off the show at the end. There's a gay guy giving advice and mentoring the designers. Inanimate objects are draped with fabric and judged within an inch of their lives. Only on Top Design its India Hicks instead of Heidi Klum, Todd Oldham instead of Tim Gunn, and sofas instead of models. Tomato, Tomahto.

The challenge this second week of the second show of the second season of Top Design had the contestants work in teams to remodel fallout shelters. This was a great challenge separating the designers with actual talent from those who are just filling space until the finale.

Two designers went home last night (um, just like Project Runway!) So next week there will be less contestants to keep track of and more to write. However, I'll leave you with this gem from Natalie. Quite possibly one of the dimmest bulbs on "smart" reality TV. If this doesn't make you want to vote for serious education reform, I don't know what will:

While describing the challenge, Natalie said this - verbatim:

"If the world was to end, and I could plan it because I was God, it would have to be something stupid like the Chinese have built the Transformers to bomb us back because they were pissed about the Hiroshima bombing."

Last night before I went to sleep, I knelt by my bed, placed my hands together and prayed to God that s/he knew where Hiroshima was.

Project Runway in Retrograde

Last night's episode of Project Runway once again proved that the show is running on Bravo fumes. Next year when the show is on Lifetime I can't imagine that it will be much better. Not that it was truly terrible, but it's getting old and clearly the producers are running out of good ideas for challenges.

The show started off with Terri singing Ding Dong the Witch is Dead which immediately indicted that by the end of the episode karma would come back around, kiss her on both cheeks, and wish her a hollow "auf weidershen." God, I love karma.

The astrological challenge was genius. I can't wait until they do Hallmark holidays like Grandparents Day and Administrative Assistant Day outfits.

I'll admit that at first I liked the idea - but then the eliminated contestants came out and I realized this was going to be a disaster. I didn't like any of them the first time around. Why would I want to see any of them again?

Halfway in I was sure Kenley was going to go. Her bad attitude and incessant whining nearly killed me. I used to really like her but now I'm on team Korto.

So begins the runway...

The first model out was Blayne & Stella's Libra monstrosity. There are no words for what they did. No words. Awful is too generous. Kenley's was awful and she got to stay.

Terri's was GREAT. For the drag queen challenge. If there was a drag queen named La Cucaracha.

Korto's dress was once again my favorite. Except when the model turned around.

Joe's design was very good. I just wish I liked him more. Or could at least remember that he's on the show. Is it possible for him to be any more forgettable?

Jerrell's dress was very well done. Sagittarius is an earth sign. Earthy colors. I got it. It was really the only one that made sense.

I loved Leanne's dress. Especially the back - or lack there of.

Suede really disappointed. So boring. Suede, you made Amy sad. Amy thinks you should have done better. Amy also thinks you must stop talking in the third person. Amy thinks it is really stupid.

Michael Kors said that Blayne's garment was "almost costumey." Almost, Mike? Almost?

On a roll, Michael Kors' comment to Terri about her model looking like a "voodoo princess in hell" made me, and the model, laugh out loud. Terri didn't think it was so funny.

So Kenley stayed. Jerrell won. Nina was back. Terri & Blayne are OUT. And right now Virgos are ruling the month.

What is your sign? What was your favorite designer dud last night?

No Comment: Sarah Palin Continues Hiding From The Media

While Vice Presidential Candidate and experience-free gun-toting hockey-mom, Sarah Palin, is HIDING FROM THE PRESS and continues to avoid addressing the issues, a few things have surfaced about her choices as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. While in office, she supported a policy which charged rape victims for their rape-kit examinations. If you've just been raped, I have to assume that the last thing you want to be asked is, "Will you be paying by cash, check, or credit card for your rape kit?" From the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman newspaper back in 2000 when Palin was mayor of Wasilla, "'In the past we've charged the cost of exams to the victims insurance company when possible. I just don't want to see any more burden put on the taxpayer'," Wasilla Police Chief (under Sarah Palin) Charlie Fannon said. " A police chief from the neighboring town of Palmer, Alaska said in the same article, "Chief Laren Zager said that to his knowledge, no sexual assault victim has ever been billed by the city of Palmer for an exam to collect evidence of a crime. Zager, who has been police chief since January, said he would never expect a victim to be burdened with the cost of a police investigation. I'm prepared to pay every dime in an investigation. As long as I am chief, I would never bill a victim, Zager said." Palin apparently didn't agree, but a state law forced her to absorb the cost of crime victims in her town instead of billing them for the crime committed against them. That's sound judgement we can trust for the future. NOT!

Screw Tina Fey, It's Harriet Miers I'm Worried About

Many people are talking about how much Sarah (gag) Palin reminds them of Tina Fey. Screw Tina Fey! Sarah Palin reminds ME of Harriet Miers! Doesn't anyone else remember the "scare tactics" the GOP used to get Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner replaced by that complete Republican right-wing nut job, Alito? They used the ol' bait and switch tactics. Trot out some crazy unqualified bitch to get people all riled up and then sneak a man in the back door while everyone's losing their shit. Well, while Palin is mouthing off about guns, teenage pregnancy, and her lies about not supporting the Alaskan Bridge To Nowhere (look it up, people!) the GOP is probably preparing Dick Cheney for another 8 years as VP on the same life-support making occasional public appearances.

Fiiiiiiiiierce

ANTM Cycle 11 premiered this week with Tyra's weirdest "set-up/intro" yet. She was a robot. I didn't need Tyra Banks to tell me Tyra Banks is a robot!
My four favorite girls are:
1. Isis, because she is strong and fierce and pretty
2. Sheena, because she IS Kimora Lee Simmons' mini-me
3. McKey, because she has a good heart and I like MMA
5. Joselyn, because she cracks me up

My two least favorite girls are:
1. Clark, because she is straight-up ignorant AND because she's from a "good Southern family"
2. Sharaun, because she was a straight-up cocky bitch
3. Mr. Jay, because his boobs looked funny and lopsided in his silver top

I can't wait for the makeovers! Maybe Mr. Jay will get a boob job.

Look Who I Found In My Bed

Look who I found in my bed when I was taking the sheets off today to do laundry. I guess he slept in my bed with my last night.

Please note that he is shown next to my cell phone for a size comparison and he takes up the better part of a postcard address area. It is the biggest spider I have ever personally seen with my own eyes, and I found it in my bed. I scooped him up and am deciding whether to make him a pet or set him free.

STEEEEEELLLLLLLAAAAAA!!!!!

THANK THE STARS ABOVE - Stella (aka Zoot from The Electric Mayhem but less likable) has left the building. Honestly, I couldn't take her anymore. This past Wednesday's episode should have been better. Maybe I was just too tired to fully enjoy it but I thought it was a little bit of a yawnfest.

DVF is a legend. Yes, she's fabulous but after Kenley cried for the 4th time and Korto kept saying what a legend she is and how fabulous she is, I kinda zoned out. You know they gather the contestants together before filming and tell them that they must gush over the guest judges repeatedly or they may not see another week. I don't really remember Stella raving about DVF - makes you think.

I didn't quite get the whole 40's Shanghai Spy thing either.

And maybe I was just conflicted that Leanne's outfit was beautiful - truly the best but insanely pissed at her for ripping off a Dolce Gabbana dress in last week's challenge.

I hated: Blayne's outfit - totally stupid but well made. Joe's outfit - totally stupid, fugly, and poorly made. Suede's vest. Terry's outfit - not terrible but can she PLEASE do something different for once? Stella and Stella's horribly made "outfit".

I loved: Kenley's dress (and the outfit she wore to the runway!) Korto's outfit was gorgeous - very DVF. Suede's dress - even though the judges didn't like it. Leanne's outfit - stunning.

I didn't care about Jarelle's one way or the other.

What did you think?

Deja Vu on the Runway

Last week's episode of Project Runway was one of my favorites this season. The car challenge was great and Leanne's winning piece was a piece of art. Literally. The Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC thought so too. Last year. When Dolce Gabbana walked this little number down the runway (see picture) in 2007 the Met tapped it to be part of its Superheroes exhibit currently on view. Look familiar??? Leanne's winning leather/seatbelt dress is pretty much a carbon copy. My friend JP and I were shocked.

I still am.

Sarah Palin: Dick Cheney's Evil Twin Sister

Just when you thought that Dick Cheney was the MOST EVIL PERSON ON EARTH, Sarah Palin proves that she's a whole new ball of crazy and evil. Women, hide your reproductive rights from this blood-thirsty pit bull!!

New This Season on THE VIEW

One of the exciting new additions to this 12th season of THE VIEW is that
over the summer Whoopi, Joy, & Barbara were apparently freebasing Boniva and grew a spine! At least for the first two days of the season, those three ladies have been on Elizabitch Hassellcoulter like wild and long-grain on rice! Every time Elizabitch tries to pull the "Palin has more experience than Obama" bullsh#t line, the three ladies jump on her like a pack of wild cougers. Hasselcoulter has tried at least half a dozen times in two days to spread the Republican talking point that Palin is more experienced than Barack Obama, which is utter CRAP. Anyone with a high school education should be able to read the facts. Also, I couldn't believe that Elizabitch had the nerve to say right to Barbara Walters' face that Barbara was disparaging and disrespecting working mothers by simply ASKING if Sarah Palin could share her plan for raising 5 children, one of whom has Downs Syndrome and one of who is an unwed pregnant minor. I'd sure like to know how Palin plans to raise 5 children if McCain wins and then kicks the bucket and she is President (god forbid either has the chance to do either). Barbara Walters has been working 24 hours a day 7 days a week for 70 years, and Elizabitch is going to question HER on parenting issues?! Sherri Sheppard is still a loose cannon of ignorance and immaturity (at age 40) who will fuel Hasselcoulter's fire for hatred and misinformation this season. Plus, the ladies are just back from a loooong vacation, and I hope that Elizabitch doesn't wear them all down like she did last season. By the end of last season, no one could say anything to Elizabitch with her going on a "John MCain is the saviour of our country" diatribe (for 5 minutes). It so obvious that Elizabitch gets a script from the RNC every morning and she just parrots that script no matter what anyone else at the table has to say. This season, for the FIRST time, the ladies are not letting Hasselcoulter get away with her propaganda and lies. Both Whoopi and Barbara did more to try to stop her today than I've ever seen before. So, GOOD JOB ladies, but I don't know how much more I can take. It's like watching a really bloody boxing match every morning.Here is a chilling example of what Elizabitch Hasselcoulter's world would look like if John McCain wins in November.

America's Next Top Model Cycle 11

Here's a sneak peek from this Wednesday's 2-hour premiere of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL on the CW.

Elizabitch Hasselbitch Countdownbitch Bitch Bitch Bitch

America, you only have TWO more days to enjoy your life before the Walt Disney Corporation unleashes Elizabitch Hasselcoulter --the even more evil twin sister of Anne Coulter-- on your morning television Tuesday. After a lengthy and glorious break from her non-stop Republican-robot talking-points, she'll be back "live" on Tuesday with another season of her talking out of her ass about stuff she has no business even talking about. I remain astounded that even Fox News is scared of Anne Coulter, yet Disney embraces and promotes the foul lies and downright propaganda of a Republican right-wing nut job like Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Enough, ABC/Disney! Pull the plug on this broken Republican record.

Fasten Your Seatbelts

The challenge on last night's Project Runway was interesting - take a bunch of Saturn minivans, pack them chock full o'random car junk and let rabid reality show contestants make haute couture out of it all.

The non-originality award goes to, well, almost everyone for making something out of the bizmillion seatbelts available in each of the family wagons. I'm not a maverick fashionista but I do know that the seatbelt has been done before. Stuff made from seatbelts is tres passe. However, Korto's coat was to die for and I'll second Rachel (gag) Zoe when I say "I want to own that coat!" The rest of the seatbelt stuff was pure roadkill.

It was nice to see Kenley bow under pressure. I like her but it seemed like Daniel left a little of his hyper anxiety behind. I also hated her outfit. Totally ridiculous and it had such promise when she was making the zebra stripes on the air filters early on. If only she'd 86'd the pencil skirt and made a cute tiered number using the filters - that would have been cute. And it would have also helped the model wearing her outfit walk without looking like she had a car axle shoved up her arse.

Jerell's little number was cute. The judges love it but to me the hem looked poorly constructed. Loved the top of it.

Leanne done good. Funky and completely unwearable but bold and interesting.

Joe (who for some reason I just really can't stand) had a pretty cool concept with his motocross ensemble. I'd liked to have seen a little more of that one.

Finally, we get to say good-bye to Keith. DUMB ASS. I find it somewhat satisfying when the contestants weed themselves out like he did. It's one thing when the judges give someone the boot but its completely another thing when the contestants just have a total meltdown and can't hack it. Stella's outfit was awful but I don't even know why the judges had to deliberate. Keith shot himself in the foot from the second he was in the bottom last week and just kept on going. And then he cried. Oy. Na na na na... goodbye.

Where was Nina this week? I hate Rachel Zoe but quite a treat to have Laura Bennett on - LOVE her!

Shameless

Guilty pleasures! There are a LOT of very stupid hilarious shows on right now. Do NOT miss any of the following.

I WANT TO WORK FOR DIDDY - Makes The Apprentice look like kindergarten. My favorite contestant is the tranny who is like a classy Omarosa (I mean that as a complement!). One of the best parts is interview segments with Diddy's former assistants who all get this look in their eyes that you see after someone survives a Grizzly Bear attack and half their skull is ripped off, but they're still alive! That's apparently what it's like to work for Diddy.

TABATHA'S SALON TAKEOVER - Tabatha kicks ass! She is a force to be reckoned with. I think she's been called a bitch to her face (or near it) on every episode so far. And, she isn't. But, she is an excellent example of a driven, talented woman who gets called a bitch (mostly by gay men, Bravo) for standing her ground. The show'sproduction is top-drawer too. The editing and camera work are way better than the usual reality stuff. She, Diddy and Gordon Ramsey scare me, but the more I learn about them through their various projects, the more I respect their bat-shit-crazy dedication to their craft.

REALITY BITES BACK - This show makes me laugh so hard it hurts me. I can't watch it on a full stomach or I get cramps. With such episodes as HUNTING WITH THE STARS and SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DIVE, the show spoofs reality shows while being all of them. In the first episode I saw, the contestants (who are all comedians) had to come on to someone in a dark room who turned out to be their mother, sister grandmother, or father. I love Amy Schumer who was on LAST COMIC STANDING at some point. I also still can't believe that Michael Ian Black is straight. I've had a crush on him forever. [Programing note: there is an upcoming marathon on Sunday or Monday.]

TORI & DEAN and ROB & BIG - The only thing better than TORI & DEAN BACK IN HOLLYWOOD and ROB & BIG would be if Rob, Big, Tori, and Dean all hung out more often. There is NO reason for either couple to have a show, and neither show is ANYTHING more than just following them around to the dry-cleaner and drive-thru. Yet, I can't get enough!

Oh yeah, and Janice Dickinson has somehow managed to go even more insane by moving into a Christopher Ciccione-designed "Model House" with her models this season on THE JANICE DICKINSON MODELING AGENCY which should be called CATTY GAY BITCHFIGHT. Janice is the queen of psychodrama.

And, as long as we're making short, shameful confessions I wanna make out with the Old Spice Minotaur Guy (OSMG) who is cute, and -- I hear -- hung like a... well, you know.

What are you watching? What half-man half-donkey creatures do you have a crush on?

God Damn, I LOVE me some Kristen Chenoweth

Sometimes she's a Broadway diva. Sometimes she's a slutty li'l minx in the pages of FHM. Sometimes she's a TV actress. And, sometimes she's a musical medical miracle!

See more Kristin Chenoweth videos at Funny or Die

My Hill

Bye Dan. (sniff. sniff.)

VERDICT with Dan Abrams has been canceled. Boooooo! Suck it, MSNBC! Not only is Dan Dan The News Man the cutest newsie, but he is one of the few who doesn't take himself too seriously. The last show was a best-of bonanza. Though, it was sad. It must suck to have to do your last show on a week's notice. Dan was always fair and multi-faceted. VERDICT had real depth and great debates, as well as hilarious takes on some silly topics too. I'm quite sure Mr. Dan Abrams will turn up somewhere soon. As he mentioned at the end of the show, this was his third "good-bye" show on MSNBC in the past 5 years, so don't count him out yet. Yaay (sorta). Bye for now, Dan. Stay cute! xoxo

McCain Picks Vice Presidential Running Mate

Live WIth Regis... Regis?! Yes, Regis and Kel-- What The?!

Today was another busy one for me. I didn't get a chance to watch LIVE WITH ___ & KELLY until after 4PM. Well, imagine my surprise when the "blank" was actually Regis! But then, I was totally freaked out when I did NOT realize that Emily Proctor wasn't Kelly Ripa. Until she opened her mouth, I didn't notice. So, I guess Kelly finally gets a vaca. Good for her. Emily Proctor, though? Oh well, she was pleasant enough. It seems like Kelly can really bring out the "fun" side of people on the show, and Regis is too intimidating to relax with. My take. I always fast forward through the openings of shows like REGIS and ELLEN so I often don't hear who's going to be on unless TiVo tells me or unless the host tells me.

I Dislike The Jonas Brothers And NOT Just Because They Are Talentless

Fresh Cazwell, Bitches!

Dreamy future husband number 5, Cazwell, has a new video on YouTube. Support Cazwell so that one day he may support me. Could he BE any cuter?!

Dance Dance Dance

My thoughts on the SYTYCD finale show. Halfway through, I was thinking, "Gee, I wonder if the fact that Katee is in MOST of the 'best of' numbers means that she's the judges favorite." It was a delight to see Thayne again. Go, Mary Murphy! Sheesh! It's great to know that she has the chops to back up all her bitching and screaming. Bye, Courtney. OH-KAY, Wade Robson has been dipping into the good 60's acid again. What the HELL was his Rabbit Funeral number about? I applaud SYTYCD for exposing the unwashed masses to modern dance, but Wade's piece was so far over the top it was like Cats on some funky drugs. It creeped me OUT, and NOT in the good way. It figures that Cris Angel (TotalFreak) is involved somehow. I was SHOCKED when Katee was eliminated. Shocked. And, kinda pissed. She was my favorite by FAR. She even KICKED ASS in the door number (AND the hip hop number) after she was eliminated. What a pro! The Debbie Allen Dance Academy of Dance for Dancers (upstairs from a Blimpie's Sub Shop) is apparently teaching America's future Jean Benet Ramseys to dance with creepy old British dudes for fun and profit. Now who's taking the good 60's acid?! Apparently Nigel Litgoe. I have to give it to this show. They know what "pulling out ALL the stops" means, and they sure did it tonight. Oh, I forgot to mention HOW MUCH I HATE The Jonas Brothers. They're just awful on SO many levels. And, now they're "rapping" (do the kids still say 'rapping'?) with George Forman. Yikes. Name the winner already! I love this show, but jeeeez FOX can you please not drag-out and pad every single show you air?! Even on TiVo, this show seemed loooong. I loved Cat Deeley's dress. Why are there never good pictures from the shows?! I also loved the look back at all of the "best of" former performers. And, then they were actually THERE. How fierce is that? Neil is super CUTE and --apparently-- made of rubber. Bouncy! Hawk is also one of my favorites ever. Crazy. Were there like 50 dancers on stage? Get on with it! Who won?! Helloooooo! Oh, Joshua. Good.

Today, Gelman?!

Of all the days for LIVE WITH ______ & KELLY to pull a stunt like this, they HAD to pick today. I'm super busy and do not have time to fully express my shock and arousal. Today's "fill in the blank" host was... wait for it.... wait for it... Stiffler! Seann William Scott. Really?! I didn't know he was gay, but I guess if he's co-hosting LIVE then he must be. Aaanyway, he's no Anderson Cooper but his first story was about getting "spooned" by a bearish monster truck driver in 1st class on the plane. I was pleasantly surprised by SWS as a co-host. He appeared genuinely warm and giving. You've got to be able to tell a couple good stories about your life. He has "a lot" of tattoos (apparently -- he didn't show us). He shared a few stories about being drunk. We did learn that he is an AMERICAN IDOL fan. Specifically, he has a boner for Brooke White (my least favorite American Idol ever!) He wasn't boring, but he wasn't a laugh riot. I will say that he had a "special" way of sitting on the LW_&K stools that brilliantly featured his package. Not sure why, but the SWS host chat is not yet posted on the LIVE W/ ____ & K web site. And definitely not posted on the LIVE site is the shot (at the veeeery) end of the show of SWS' lightning bolt tattoo on his thigh, yes thigh.

Too Darn Hot

It's still 80 degrees at 10PM, which officially makes it too hot to blog. However, I will blog on despite the melting inside my brain. So you think you can dance? No, but I know a lot of people who can. I'm sad to see this train pulling into the station. SYTYCD was cruel this season because the dancers were so good, and the choreographers really jockeyed for that Emmy. Let me start by saying that Katee should win hands down. I haven't liked Twitch for weeks. I still like Joshua, but he's not a "star." That other Courtney girl is good, but she's no Katee. I still don't like the unfortunately named Mandy Moore, and I still think that Mia Michaels is a god. That "Russian" number was my least favorite of the season. Bleck. Hated it. What a waste of two sensational hip-hop dancers. Wikipedia has an INSANE amount of detail about this season. Be sure to check it out! There is one example of their "thoroughness" below.

Elimination chart

Contestants are in alphabetical order by last name, then in reverse chronological order of elimination.

Legend

Female

Male

Bottom 3 couples

Bottom 4 contestants

Week:	6/12	6/19	6/26	7/03	7/10	7/17	7/24	7/31**	8/07
Contestant		Result
Joshua Allen
Stephen "Twitch" Boss					B 3		B 4
Courtney Galiano				B 3			B 4
Katee Shean
Mark Kanemura						B 4		Elim
Chelsie Hightower								Elim
William Wingfield	B 3				B 3		Elim
Comfort Fedoke		B 3	B 3	B 3	Elim*	B 4	Elim
Gev Manoukian				B 3		Elim
Kherington Payne					B 3	Elim
Jessica King	B 3				B 3*
Thayne Jasperson		B 3	B 3	B 3	Elim
Matt Dorame	B 3		B 3	Elim
Kourtni Lind	B 3		B 3	Elim
Chris Jarosz		B 3	Elim
Chelsea Traille		B 3	Elim
Marquis Cunningham		Elim
Susie Garcia		Elim
Jamie Bayard	Elim
Rayven Armijo	Elim

*Jessica King suffered an injury that resulted in her being unable to continue in the competition. Comfort Fedoke replaced her as she was the most recent female competitor eliminated.^[3]

**There was no bottom 4 this week