Finally

Finally! After over a week of downright sh*tty TV, I have something to live for. MAKING THE BAND 4 is everything I could have dreamed (since 2 days ago when I found out it was on). Though, so help me g-d if Diddy fires Aubrey, I will immediately stop watching the show. Damn! I love me some Danity Kane! And, I also love me some Donnie! Donnie is so damn cute that I don't even care that he's straight. I'm a little intimigusted by Diddy and the Bad Boy "lifestyle." At one point it looks like Diddy is wearing a jacket made out of kitten fur. He seems like the kind of guy who would just reach into your chest and rip your heart out and show it to your before he sells it for a profit. Fortunately -- and I mean no disrespect by this -- Diddy isn't the focus of the show. I'm salivating for the new Danity Kane album. How fun to get to watch them record it (and then throw a fit when Diddy hates their introspective chick-songs and tries to turn them into the Mary Jane Girls). And, I'll probably like a couple of the Donnie songs too. The "sneak preview" of the upcoming season looks like a buttload of fun. And speaking of a buttload, the other show that is filling my life with joy is the 83rd season of REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES CHALLENGE: THE GAUNTLET 3. Jesus H. Ricecakes! Beth has got to be pushing 40, and she's still showing up to these shows. I'm fascinated by the behavior on RW/RRC:TG3. MTV takes 18 or 20 "young" people who are only famous for being drunken whores and fratty hooligans and puts them in a remote mansion in a tropical paradise with an open bar, hot tub, and pool to compete for $400,00 (split like 6 ways). So far, about 20 minutes into this season there's been boy on boy action, girl on girl action, guy on girl action, a 3-way ("latifah"), and lord only knows what else. If CT weren't an inhuman monster, I would have the hugest crush on him. Oh, and thank you jesus for crazy-as-a-sh*thouse-rat, Brooke! She hasn't "gone off" yet, but it's just a matter of time. So, that's what I'm FINALLY watching, and it was almost worth the wait.

How do they DO it?!

If I believed in Jesus, I would thank him for AMERICAN IDOL. It's so much more than a singing competition and a karaoke train wreck. AI is a window into the dark heart of America. Simon shows us just how "nicey nicey" we've become on the surface. And, I want whatever Seacrest is taking to remain so preternaturally chipper for 8 hours with the mentally unbalanced and their relatives and friends and on occasion -- people they met in the parking lot on the way there. One of the first thing Seacrest voiced over was that it hardly seemed like they'd been away. Truer words were never spoken. The show is almost shot for shot a repeat of last year, yet I couldn't have loved it more! FINALLY! a reason to embrace the writer's strike. The montage of LOUD singers made Quincy's ears perk up. I find it interesting that what eventually turns into a semi-serious singing/popularity contest garnering millions of votes starts off presenting some of the greatest horrors lurking in the amature American musical theatre. Chapter one of this year's freak show offered up the usual cavalcade of mentally unbalanced individuals abandoned by the US health care "system" who are encouraged to sing by their inbred relatives and cruel friends. That Willem-Dafoe-Gurl is going to be a co-host on THE VIEW by the end of the week followed by a brief stint on CELEBRITY REHAB with Dr. Drew. The stalker guy might have made it to the next round on LAST COMIC STANDING. The Princess Leah (prisoner of Jabba The Hutt) Guy was doing some deeply personal type of performance art that I hope helped him work some sh*t out. Coincidentally, The Princess Leah Girl was also working out some deep childhood traumas on America during her "audition." At least they won't ask her to be a co-host on THE VIEW. Speaking of... Blake "I'm Not Gay" Lewis was on THE "Very GAY" VIEW today saying that he can't stand to watch AI because the sound of people singing out of tune is like nails on a chalkboard to him. Ouch! I guess Ryan won't return his calls. I'm looking forward to hours and hours of this multi-car pileup. Though, because I'm enjoying JPOD on CBC, I'm going to have to abandon THE BIGGEST LOSER: COUPLES and catch the marathon Bravo in a few months. SPOILER ALERT: I'm telling you right now that the two heaviest guys are gonna win.

Project Lameway

At the risk of ruining the burgeoning romance with my fiancé Tim Gunn, I have to express my
sadness at this season's PROJECT RUNWAY. It seems like there is a disconnect between the producers and the judges. There are some examples in the Jan 9 episode. First of all, a prom dress competition?! In my mind, prom dresses are like the antithesis of modern fashion. There is a prom dress-code. Trust me. I tried to be innovative at my prom, and I felt like a pariah. I was afraid to go into the bathroom alone for fear of a good beating! Plus, the designers had to take input from 16 year old girls yet still "keep their style or voice" in the garment. There are only MAYBE 3 of the designers whose style I would say is appropriate for 16 year old girls and one of them won the competition. Sweet Pea's dress was by far my favorite, and her style does NOT stroke me as "prommy." That cockatoo guy was probably the most appropriate designer for young girls and he got stuck with a nightmare reject from MY SUPER SWEET 16. How the hell is Nina Garcia --who was NEVER as much of a little girl as Michael Koors-- supposed to judge a prom dress?! And, why was the fourth judge some old foreign dude and not an editor from Seventeen magazine or Elle Girl? I'm not even (currently) a television producer and I could have picked a better fourth judge. The whole show was a mess. THEN, poor Kevin's girl! She appeared to love the dress and strutted it out on the runway and then Heidi Klum says with a sneer, "I think the dress looks cheap" and all the old gay judges agree WHILE THE GIRL WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE! They didn't show if Rami's promster liked her dress. She appeared to love it, but then the judges savaged it calling it "old fashioned" and saying -- again, while she was standing there in the dress-- that she looked like, "a 35 year old lady on her way to lunch." I'm pretty sure that's exactly what every 16 year old girl wants to hear on national television in her prom dress. And the show was taped in like June, so those chicks could have REALLY been going to their prom in those "old fashioned" "matronly" dresses. The show is just all over the place this season. Tim and the judges keep saying, "We want to see more of you!" Well, they voted out the costume designer guy for showing too much of himself, and since he's been back he's toned it WAY down, and he's still there. And, what the heck was up with the Hershey's challenge? How are the judges supposed to judge designer women's fashion made out of cheap brown pillows? I really hope the rest of the season pulls it together.

I just don't understand!?

How can TIM GUNN be single?! I just saw Mr. Gunn on Ellen talking about how no one ever comes on to him. He said that the head of Bravo told him that he'd be "married" within a year of PROJECT RUNWAY's premiere, but he's still waiting over 2 years later.

He's so smooth, handsome, and debonair. NO ONE is freakin' debonair anymore. You can't BUY debonair at Barneys these days! I'm sure he's making good money for Bravo and Liz Claiborne. Good job. Good teeth. Good hair. He's a catch!

Tim Gunn, wait no longer! Just because we've never met doesn't mean that we're not perfect for each other. I pre-accept the proposal you're sure to make shortly after we meet.

American Snoozinators

Why is AMERICAN GLADIATORS so freakin' boring and lame?! I ask that as someone who's watched every single FEAR FACTOR episode ever and LOVED every second of it. I also used to enjoy AG when it was on originally, and they've barely changed it. So, why was a bored to tears by the first two episodes? I think the show was so far ahead of its time that now it seems cliche and tired. DOG EAT DOG (which was truly awful on SO many levels) was still better than the new AG. Even MXC on SPIKE is better than AG, and it's a straight-up joke. Maybe I'm just disappointed because I was hoping for real live lion attacks on the new AG. I mean, these days, if you're going to call a show AMERICAN GLADIATORS, I kinda want to see some guy get his leg eaten by a lion. I'm sure NBC could find people willing to risk losing their leg to a lion to win enough money to pay off their student loans or mortgage. maybe there should be a show called WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A MILLION DOLLARS? This has FOX written all over it! Anyway, sadly, the new AMERICAN GLADIATORS is so lame it only makes me miss all the shows like it that have been canceled. Don't watch it.

Clipdown '07

If you only watch one best of the worst of the year clip shows, watch THE SOUP CLIPDOWN '07 playing all week on E!

And, if you only have a half an hour to catch up on pop culture, then treat yourself to THE SOUP every Friday night on E! It also repeats about 50 times through the following week, so you really have NO excuse!

Joel McHale (who no one will remember from the utterly forgettable Seattle 90's train wreck ALMOST LIVE!) hosts THE SOUP, which wraps up the best and worst of the week in pop culture in a sassy, irreverent mix of spoofs, clips, and weird special guests (usually spoofing themselves). Unlike me, you probably won't actually watch 20 reality, talk, and gossipmongering tv shows every week, and you need ALL that information in a compact format.

No News Is Bad News

I'm once again fed up with my local TV news. Ever since the Bush regime's smack-down on speaking the truth, local TV news can't seem to get over the hump of realizing what reporters used to do before Bush. They used to dig for facts and they used to report in the interest of the viewers. Simple stories are always missing very vital information. No one is ever at fault, so the story is never about the facts. One example is the recent story about Seattle's new red light traffic cameras. Seattle is NOTORIOUS for having really messed up traffic light timing. It seems to stem from a 1960s era decision to retard the flow of traffic. Except now that traffic levels are quadruple what they were in 1960, the lights are still timed the same. And when new lights are added, they fall into the mess of the other lights. Most travelers are forced to stop at every single traffic light so no one can ever speed. (or get anywhere). In order to get through a few lights in a row, most Seattle drivers (who care about getting through a few lights at a time) speed up and risk running a few yellow lights or red lights. This situation has been brought up repeatedly with the city who denies the lights are improperly timed, and when people point out specific problems with light timing, the city always says, "We investigated the problem and found that the lights were out of sync, so we made an adjustment." Well, ALL the lights are out of sync, did you ever think of that?! Now, Seattle is installing many, many red light cameras to "crack down" on a deeply flawed system they created. Not ONE news report mentions anything about Seattle's screwy traffic light timing or the fact that red light cameras don't make intersections safer (accident rates don't drop). In fact, most TV news reports mention a "city study" that "finds" that "red light cameras make driving safer," which is simply not true based on reports from cities where they've had red light cameras for years. Even the newspapers dropped the ball on this story. No one even brings up the question of where the money from the red light cameras will go. The city is going to make a LOT of money off these cameras, but where will it be spent? Will it help to pay for re-timing all the other traffic lights in Seattle? Will it go to pay for another stadium we don't need? Will it go to pay for more light rail that will never open and goes nowhere? Reporters really need to dig a little and not just parrot the city press releases.

Strike Out

I occasionally watch the TONIGHT SHOW with Jay Leno, and I was interested to see what the show would be like without writers. Quite frankly, I don't miss the writers. I support their quest for more money, but I think the strike is in danger of collapsing if too many shows come back and especially if the shows are good. The TONIGHT SHOW is lighter and funnier than with writers at least so far. There's a slight sense of danger. The WORST thing in TV (especially these days) is dead air. But now, when Jay or Conan runs out of material, they just stop and wait for something to happen, and it usually does. Ellen's daytime show ran for WEEKS without her writers, and it too not only survived but also seemed to gain a "right-now" quality that I find appealing. It's not an easy thing to fill 39-40 minutes of "live" show day after day, but I think the challenge facing writerless hosts has made them step up their game.

You're not the biggest loser

Ok, I'll admit I'm completely addicted to THE BIGGEST LOSER. But, I have just GOT to say that it's a 2 hour show consisting mostly of morbidly obese Americans getting weighed in very revealing clothes. It's a ratings monster that's become a mini-industry. There was barely 3 weeks between the end of the last season and the new one that started tonight. Soon, it will be its own 24 hour cable channel. There will be a ticker at the bottom of the screen with live weight updates for all past contestants. How cool would that be?!

Happy Same Ol' New Year

Happy New Year. The "lord" has blessed me today with MY SUPER SWEET 16 - THE MOVIE. Here's where my new blog comes in handy. I watched all 2 hours (minus the commercials) so you never have to. Trust me on this one, you don't want to have to watch this! Despite the incredible cast (Disney sweethearts Aly & AJ, Tina Knowles (Beyonce's mama), Alec Mapa (in possibly his least-gay role ever), Mad TV's Debra Wilson (overacting on a cataclysmic scale), and (the spitting image of) Laurence Hilton-Jacobs (Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington from Welcome Back Kotter) but it's not him) the movie is really boring. Somehow the fun, bitchy, manic excess of the show really doesn't translate to a longer format. Especially when they try to weave in social issues like Katrina and African famine. MSS16-TM comes across more like a "Lifetime Teen" production rather than an MTV production. BTW, my favorite catch phrase from the flick is BFFN: Best Friend For Now.

Please be advised that VH1 is running every episode of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL in order starting today. Treat yourself to 36 or 53 hours of Tyra Banks. Your life won't seem so sucky. Happy New Year!