Now THAT's a Survivor!

Now in its 52nd season on stick-in-the-mud network CBS, SURVIVOR has become TV's ultimate survivor. The only reason to watch early episodes each season is for Jeff Probst's snippy remarks to the shell-shocked, filthy, starving contestants. The show's original mind-numbing predictability has given way to a throw-the-chessboard-into-the-air chaos each episode with completely erasing the lines of the game. SURVIVOR continues to feel very planned-out. I guess you have to plan pretty carefully to take a couple hundred people to the Tocantins for 60 days or so. I'm sure it would ruin the "magic" but I would love to see a behind-the-scenes season of SURVIVOR and/or a behind-the-scenes season of THE AMAZING RACE. The shows themselves have become pretty boring, but I sure would love to see each episode followed by a "how'd they did it" hour. Along those lines, the Probster, is blogging on EW.com about this season. Check it out.

In Hell

Now THAT's what I call a series premiere, HELL'S KITCHEN! DAMN! Fireworks! Drama! Cursing like that of a Foreign Legionnaire! Crying and even blood! Gordon Ramsey is just plain good TV. He's SUCH a mega-dick on HELL'S KITCHEN but he's often such a kitten on his KITCHEN NIGHTMARES show. He's a healer on KN and a bad-as spank-meister on HK. I'm beginning to wonder if the proliferation of cooking shows (TOP CHEF, etc.) is contributing to America's national fattening. I love HELL'S KITCHEN! Why FOX chose to put it on opposite NBC's ONLY decent shows: THE OFFICE and 30 ROCK is a mystery. I'm videotaping HELL'S KITCHEN old-skool-style on my video cassette recorder (which Comcast Cable Corp. is going to render useless when they force their "secret box" on me). That's when I'll be getting my 2-tuner Direct TV satellite TV. Because Comcast lied. And I am SO sick of companies who are mean to their customers. Comcast sucks. Anyway, watch HELL'S KITCHEN!

What the?!

Didn't Sunday used to be a GOOD night for TV? There is NOTHING on! I'm aaaaalmost caught up on my backed-up TiVo queue. Oh kitty, what will we watch!?

Finally

Finally! After over a week of downright sh*tty TV, I have something to live for. MAKING THE BAND 4 is everything I could have dreamed (since 2 days ago when I found out it was on). Though, so help me g-d if Diddy fires Aubrey, I will immediately stop watching the show. Damn! I love me some Danity Kane! And, I also love me some Donnie! Donnie is so damn cute that I don't even care that he's straight. I'm a little intimigusted by Diddy and the Bad Boy "lifestyle." At one point it looks like Diddy is wearing a jacket made out of kitten fur. He seems like the kind of guy who would just reach into your chest and rip your heart out and show it to your before he sells it for a profit. Fortunately -- and I mean no disrespect by this -- Diddy isn't the focus of the show. I'm salivating for the new Danity Kane album. How fun to get to watch them record it (and then throw a fit when Diddy hates their introspective chick-songs and tries to turn them into the Mary Jane Girls). And, I'll probably like a couple of the Donnie songs too. The "sneak preview" of the upcoming season looks like a buttload of fun. And speaking of a buttload, the other show that is filling my life with joy is the 83rd season of REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES CHALLENGE: THE GAUNTLET 3. Jesus H. Ricecakes! Beth has got to be pushing 40, and she's still showing up to these shows. I'm fascinated by the behavior on RW/RRC:TG3. MTV takes 18 or 20 "young" people who are only famous for being drunken whores and fratty hooligans and puts them in a remote mansion in a tropical paradise with an open bar, hot tub, and pool to compete for $400,00 (split like 6 ways). So far, about 20 minutes into this season there's been boy on boy action, girl on girl action, guy on girl action, a 3-way ("latifah"), and lord only knows what else. If CT weren't an inhuman monster, I would have the hugest crush on him. Oh, and thank you jesus for crazy-as-a-sh*thouse-rat, Brooke! She hasn't "gone off" yet, but it's just a matter of time. So, that's what I'm FINALLY watching, and it was almost worth the wait.

How do they DO it?!

If I believed in Jesus, I would thank him for AMERICAN IDOL. It's so much more than a singing competition and a karaoke train wreck. AI is a window into the dark heart of America. Simon shows us just how "nicey nicey" we've become on the surface. And, I want whatever Seacrest is taking to remain so preternaturally chipper for 8 hours with the mentally unbalanced and their relatives and friends and on occasion -- people they met in the parking lot on the way there. One of the first thing Seacrest voiced over was that it hardly seemed like they'd been away. Truer words were never spoken. The show is almost shot for shot a repeat of last year, yet I couldn't have loved it more! FINALLY! a reason to embrace the writer's strike. The montage of LOUD singers made Quincy's ears perk up. I find it interesting that what eventually turns into a semi-serious singing/popularity contest garnering millions of votes starts off presenting some of the greatest horrors lurking in the amature American musical theatre. Chapter one of this year's freak show offered up the usual cavalcade of mentally unbalanced individuals abandoned by the US health care "system" who are encouraged to sing by their inbred relatives and cruel friends. That Willem-Dafoe-Gurl is going to be a co-host on THE VIEW by the end of the week followed by a brief stint on CELEBRITY REHAB with Dr. Drew. The stalker guy might have made it to the next round on LAST COMIC STANDING. The Princess Leah (prisoner of Jabba The Hutt) Guy was doing some deeply personal type of performance art that I hope helped him work some sh*t out. Coincidentally, The Princess Leah Girl was also working out some deep childhood traumas on America during her "audition." At least they won't ask her to be a co-host on THE VIEW. Speaking of... Blake "I'm Not Gay" Lewis was on THE "Very GAY" VIEW today saying that he can't stand to watch AI because the sound of people singing out of tune is like nails on a chalkboard to him. Ouch! I guess Ryan won't return his calls. I'm looking forward to hours and hours of this multi-car pileup. Though, because I'm enjoying JPOD on CBC, I'm going to have to abandon THE BIGGEST LOSER: COUPLES and catch the marathon Bravo in a few months. SPOILER ALERT: I'm telling you right now that the two heaviest guys are gonna win.

You're not the biggest loser

Ok, I'll admit I'm completely addicted to THE BIGGEST LOSER. But, I have just GOT to say that it's a 2 hour show consisting mostly of morbidly obese Americans getting weighed in very revealing clothes. It's a ratings monster that's become a mini-industry. There was barely 3 weeks between the end of the last season and the new one that started tonight. Soon, it will be its own 24 hour cable channel. There will be a ticker at the bottom of the screen with live weight updates for all past contestants. How cool would that be?!

Happy Same Ol' New Year

Happy New Year. The "lord" has blessed me today with MY SUPER SWEET 16 - THE MOVIE. Here's where my new blog comes in handy. I watched all 2 hours (minus the commercials) so you never have to. Trust me on this one, you don't want to have to watch this! Despite the incredible cast (Disney sweethearts Aly & AJ, Tina Knowles (Beyonce's mama), Alec Mapa (in possibly his least-gay role ever), Mad TV's Debra Wilson (overacting on a cataclysmic scale), and (the spitting image of) Laurence Hilton-Jacobs (Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington from Welcome Back Kotter) but it's not him) the movie is really boring. Somehow the fun, bitchy, manic excess of the show really doesn't translate to a longer format. Especially when they try to weave in social issues like Katrina and African famine. MSS16-TM comes across more like a "Lifetime Teen" production rather than an MTV production. BTW, my favorite catch phrase from the flick is BFFN: Best Friend For Now.

Please be advised that VH1 is running every episode of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL in order starting today. Treat yourself to 36 or 53 hours of Tyra Banks. Your life won't seem so sucky. Happy New Year!

Trapped in My Own Reality

I hesitate to post about the AMAZING RACE for two reasons. 1.) I don't want this blog to be just about reality TV, and 2.) kvetching about AR is like shooting fish in a barrel these days. I want to like AR more, but they really haven't "enhanced" the race model in years. The teams all still get all bunched up on the same bus, boat, or barge. I think it's time to really mix up the AMAZING RACE and throw some curves at the racers. I mean, the producers have got the entire globe to play with and we've still got 8 teams on he same bus to a showdown at the Biggest Ball Of Twine. Of course, I realize it's difficult to produce a race contest using transportation in a post-9/11 world. I know that if I see a dirty hippy running through an airport these days, I'm heading right out the door and canceling my plans to fly. There must be a way to make the legs last over a series of episodes where some teams get trapped in a cave or stuck on a Jet Blue plane for 10 hours without and food, air, rights, or water. I think they should also do a season of relationships on the verge: folks who just got or are getting divorced, estranged relatives, and/or former litigants on Judge Judy.

Holiday Reality Wrap-Up

Welcome to my first blog ever. Since TV is my life, most of my posts will be about what I've seen on TV. I decided that rather than yelling at my TV, I'd put it into words here.

I loved KID NATION, even though I think kids are evil little bastards who should live in cages until they're 18 (or in some cases 21). I thought the show did a good job of keeping things interesting even though not much happened and no one was ever eliminated. CBS really blew it by not having a parent/child reunion show! The biggest disappointment was not getting to meet Taylor's parents. I would have LOVED to see them watch their demon daughter on TV and try to explain their parenting "skills."

Sue me, but I still love SURVIVOR. Yes, it's tired, yet with every episode the editing consistently creates tension and I find my heart pounding at every tribal council. On the down side, what is the DEAL with the blurring of body parts?! Hey, since when did the 1 inch top of some guy's butt crack become an obscene, blur-able offense? Oh right, ever since Janet Jackson decided to ruin it for the rest of us. Why don't they give the survivors a "uniform" to wear when they toss them off the boat at the beginning? They could come up with some Mormoney singlet with extra padding over the "privates" to ensure that no part or portion of the human body is shown. This season's finale was particularly interesting because of the LACK of drama. Most contestants seemed able to separate back-stabbing from game-play. Except, of course, for Denise who'd just been --in her mind-- viciously back-stabbed. I still can't believe the number of people who go on that show who have never even been outside before in their lives! IF I was ever going to go on SURVIVOR -- and the only reason I would is weight loss-- I would spend at least a few hours at a camping store at the mall learning how to build (and light) a fire. Congrats to the adorable Todd bringing home another win for the sisters!

THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN BAND was the show I was embarrassed to tell anyone I was watching this season. It was a guilty pleasure, but it was pretty fun. My favorite part was that the contestants really changed up the arrangements of the covers they played. AMERICAN IDOL bores me to tears when they sing the same damn songs the same damn way again and again. Blake was great because he mixed it up. The bands on TNGAB were all really game to try out different styles, and the finale was spectacular because all the bands played together in a GIANT medley of what would have been BORING Xmas tunes. But, it was really great to see the "kid rockers" playing with the "bluegrass band" and the "hipper-than-thou indie band." Good job, TNGAB. And, if Paula ever does finally lose her tenuous grip on "reality," Sheila E would kick SO much ass on AI! Randy could be the nice one, and Sheila and Simon could "tell it like it is."

And, finally, CLASH OF THE CHOIRS. I almost didn't watch COTC because I thought that the show would be all, "Jesus this!" and "Praise that!" but the arrangements were pretty good and the song selections were great. Having said that, my favorite numbers were mostly the "inspirational" songs. Patti LaBelle KILLED IT on the first night, but then kinda never topped that number. Where as Nick Lachey (see Top 5 Husbands list to the right) got better and better (and not just because he's my unknowing fiancé). I also think that despite Patti LaBelle's considerable excellence at directing her choir, the fact is more young people vote in reality competitions. I was impressed by Maria Menonous' ability to keep that bloated tearfest of a show on its feet for four nights. I want just a li'l sniff of whatever she was on! Tracey Morgan may have shot his career in the ass with his drugged out, confused appearances on the finale. He only had to hold it together for a total of 2 minutes, and it looked painful for him to stay conscious and/or interested. And, of course, my final complaint is the INSANE decision to incorrectly list the finale on TiVo. How many people missed the final HOUR of the 7 hour mini-series? Thank goodness, I noticed the time-switch before it was too late!

Hey, PROJECT RUNWAY, F#CK YOU! 3 episodes and then 2 weeks off?! You fully suck!

Did I miss anything? What were you watching last week?