Who was the creepy bald dude in the audience on Tuesday night's AMERICAN IDOL?
Gokey was Michael MacDonald
Kris was kinda like Geraldo mixed with the Backstreet Boys
Lil WAS Angela Bassett as Tina Turner
Anoop was Barry White
Scott is still The Greatest American Hero
Alison is Stevie Nicks (this week)
Matt is still Justin Timberlake
Adam Lambert is... I don't know because FOX cut him off. My AMERICAN IDOL ended BEFORE Adam Lambert's performance. That doesn't seem fair to me. Anyone else miss Adam's performance or just me?
Get it while you can! Here's a YouTube clip of Adam Lambert's performance on AMERICAN IDOL from Tuesday night. I'm am SO mad that THIS is the performance that I didn't get to see because FOX was over by about 5 minutes last night. So, if your DVR or VCR denied you this performance, enjoy it while you can...
Few genres sound as cheesy as country music if done poorly, as evidenced by this week's AMERICAN IDOL. Simon Cowell is a grade A dickwad. He's not even amusing any more. He's just plain offensive. I am so tired of him!! I hope Cara is there to replace him. She's real without being an ass. Bring on the singin'! Michael is still a big sexy hulk, but still as boring as a bag of rocks. Allison can sing anything and make it sound rockin'. Still love her but not as a country singer. Kris a.k.a. "Tender Dawg" is DELICIOUS! He can sing anything and make me want to jump his married bones. Lil sounded great, but I just don't "buy" her as a jingoistic shill. Note to Simon Cowell, "Lil" is short for "Lillian" not "Little." Adam looked like he had major cleavage during his interview. Is Randy Travis a kind of homophobic dick? Or was it just me? The song was a bit of a stretch, but if Grace Jones has covered "Ring Of Fire" who can't?! Scott is still blind and still can't sing. Alexis was a bit of a let-down. I love the song "Jolene," but her version was flat and boring. She tried to change it up just a little bit too much and lost the meaning/point of the song. Danny: Jesus, give me a break! I like him, but I didn't like the song and I didn't like his performance (or his white Brian Fellows jacket). Anoop ROCKS! Smooooth, sexy, and he can SING! Megan, who should have been shot in the face after last week's song, and her boobs actually pulled off an insanely difficult song. Matt was utterly forgettable. Now get out there and vote, America!
One of the things that the judges say EVERY season is that there are certain performers and songs that contestants just should never do. One of the "artists" who has more songs on that list than ANY other "singer" is Michael Jackson. So, what a risky way to start the season. Luckily, this season's contestants mostly stepped up to the plate and swung hard. Sports references in an AMERICAN IDOL post? Do I have a fever?! Lil - Sizzling Scott - Still blind Danny - Started off "cruise ship" and end up "Vegas!" Michael - Looked sexy. Sounded boring. Zzzz! Jasmine - Fierce and cute! Kris - Total H.I.L.F.! Allison - Rockin'! Anoop Dog - Bit off more than he could chew with that song! Jorge - ¿Qué? Megan Joy - WTF?! Adam - This season's Blake Lewis. Matt - Very timerberlakian. Alexis - Got run over and dragged behind her song. Ouch.
The opening "number" on tonight's live IDOL results show will give me WAY more horrifying nightmares than the entire 2nd season of Dexter which I JUST finished. So gooood! I wish IDOL had a serial killer component to the show tonight. I even kinda like(d) that Katie Perry song they destroyed making it all the more tragic. TRAGIC! Who does these CHEEE-ZEE arrangements?! The first actual "results" were finally given 17 minutes into the snooze-tastic show. I didn't care for Lil Rounds last night, but she was all people could talk about on today's talk shows. And, now she's in the top 12. I will say that she sounded a little better tonight, but not much. She's NO Mary J Blige. It took 9 minutes to get to the next result. Geeky Alex grasped at straws before finding out he was NOT going through to the next round. At 29 minutes into the show, they let the blind guy know he was through to the next round. I have to be honest, if he wasn't blind he wouldn't even be on the show. He's not that good. Ok, well NONE of my favorites are moving on this week. Bummer. Ok so get to the wild card details. Now. NOW! No such luck. They trotted out the "top 9" again before FINALLY explaining that the judges get to hand pick contestants to compete in the wild card show tomorrow. TOMORROW?! F#ck you FOX! How many TiVos and VCRs do you think I have?! Then the judges announced their "wild 8" (see below) as if they were handing out harvested organs to transplant patients. And, Tatiana?! Really?! Is FOX THAT desperate?!
Ryan's inane banter is just WRONG. Why would Ryan even talk to the judges on live TV? There's no reason. It seems like Ryan's orders from the producers are, "Be as obnoxious and annoying as possible." Ryan takes people who are nervous enough to pee and he f*cks with them. Then he takes a professional panel of blowhards and asks them ridiculous questions that often lead them off on pointless tangents and embarrassing kerfuffles. Can someone please tell me why I don't like Von Smith? He even reeled it WAY in -- for him -- but I still find him grating as all hell. My 2 WTF!? performances of the night were turned in by Nathaniel (so-queer-it-hurts) and Alex (so-geeky-it-hurts). Nathaniel, the gayest man on the planet, chose a Meatloaf song?! And then the arrangement of the song was completely schizo! And THEN stupid Ryan had to go talk to his grandmother in the audience. AWKWARD! Alex tried to inject some soul into his geeky performance and only accentuated his geeky side. He sounded awful and danced like Elaine on SEINFELD. Not good. Also not good were Taylor who is NOT Alicia Keys, and Jorge who is NOT Julio Iglesias. I loved Kristen's Tracy Chapman song. I thought she was the only singer of the night who really just killed it. She made the song her own and really likable/catchy. Ju'Not's Hey There Delila was the ONLY version of that song I've ever liked. He was my second favorite even though the first part of his song put me to sleep. Lil Rounds also started off rocky but redeemed herself by the end of the song. But she didn't knock it out of the park. She bunted and then ran her booty off. The highlight of my IDOL week 3 was the release of some off-the-hook pics of Adam Lambert. I'm looking forward to next week's "wild card" round to see just how f'ed up FOX makes things. I hope the "wild card" contestants have to cage fight for their spot on the "big show."
Brooke "Village of the Damned" "Whitey" White (pictured with her family left) was this week's "encouraging" past IDOL loser trotted out to give the 9losers from tonight's show hope that there is a depressing, hollow life after IDOL. Of course Brooke White was depressing and hollow before IDOL too. Where the F#CK is Ramiele Malubay?! You know I love me some Ramiele Malubay! Adam is emerging as one of my early favorites. He's a real showman like Blake Lewis and Chris Daughtry. Even if he doesn't win, this show will make him. Otherwise, there are still too many people on the show for me to keep straight in my mind. All the rest are one big blur of fake hair, fake tans, and deer-in-the-headlights eyes.P.S. - See last night's post. I so totally called the results! :-)
The 2 hour show's first watchable performance was the tasmanian devilish performance of Nick or Norman who did one of AMERICAN IDOL's most entertaining versions of "And I'm Telling You." But cha had to see it to believe it. I'd almost consider voting for him if I cared enough to pick up my cell phone which is 1 foot away from me right now. I don't. The first three performances were god-awful! Matt G butchered a Coldplay song. It was worse than karaoke. Then Jeanine did a belly flop into a Maroon 5 song. Jasmine was the least awful of the three. IDOL producers also did away with the awkward "red room" post-performance family interviews. Hmmm. Didn't I suggest that last week? One of my biggest beefs with the show is how Ryan can be kinda a dick to terrified performers about to go out and perform for the first time on live TV. Who TF comes up with the inane and unanswerable questions Ryan asks the performers and their relations?! "How does it feel to be here?!" It's indescribable, Ryan. To even try to describe it is to ruin it, so thanks for that. Then FINALLY, almost an hour into the show, Allison came out and KILLED it. She ROCKED a Heart song, which is not easy to do. Give her a good dye-job and she could be a hit. Kris also rocked it, a Michael Jackson song no less. He did just enough to make it different without ruining the original. Megan was just OK. Matt the welder was boring and he can't move behind the mic. He looked like a hefty robot trying to dance. Jesse did a VERY karaoke version of a song that should be added to the list of songs one should NEVER sing on IDOL, "Bette Davis Eyes." You just can't make the song sound "current" and the band's lame-ass arrangement doesn't help. Kai -- who I don't remember from any show before tonight -- sleepwalked through another karaoke performance of a stale Motown hit. I didn't care for him or his stealing the haircut I had in 1991. Zzzzz. I wanted to like Mishavonna, but her song choice was lackluster to say the least. She just didn't shine. And then there was Adam Lambert -- aka Mr. Musical Theatre -- who chose to sing a Rolling Stones song, "Satisfaction." And like Constantine Maroulis risen from the grave, Adam kinda rocked it in a very good over-the-top performance. It was pretty good over all, though. It was the second most entertaining performance of the night after Nick and Norman. Paula wanted to lay Adam down and make sweet love to him on the stage. (Maybe Randy did too.) It's pretty clear that the producers arrange the performances based on their rehearsals. Who did you like? Who did you hate? Who will keep you up at night?
Wednesday night's IDOL can be summed up in one word: ugh. It was a random whirl of commercialism with commercials. The AMERICAN IDOL EXPERIENCE at MGM/Disney in Florida!? I'm scared. Wednesday night's show was padded with faux FOX drama to the bursting point. Padding included losing contestants from last season, maybe as a way to say to tonight's losers, "See if you're nice to the producers, you may be able to milk this 15 minutes for a few more seconds." How does the whole wild card show work? Will Tatiana get yet another chance to show America her strong Latina side? Will Anoop who was narrowly beat out by deeply ingrained American racism be invited back for another chance? Who IS eligible for that? We'll find out...
AMERICAN IDOL's first live show of the season was a technical and production nightmare. What a MESS! It speaks to Seacrest's talent as a show host that he's so easily able to roll with the punches. It got so bad at one point that a crew member could be heard shouting live on TV at Ryan, "Go to package! Go to package!" Despite the train wreck going on behind the scenes and in the audio booth, MOST of the contestants brought their "A" game. We'll see how Thursday night's show goes. It's on on the East Coast right now. But, let's gawk at Tuesday night's pileup. The musical arrangements are once again totally awful! The karaoke arrangements played by the invisible band don't help the contestants who are verging on karaoke performances. The band sounds like a cheap-ass back-up band at a wedding, bar mitzvah, or other budget celebration. A glassy-eyed Paula Abdul dripping in her own jewelery designs (available on HSN.com) delivered some bad news on Tuesday night, so all the judges got in a few punches. A few of of the contestants even deserved their lumps. I haaated Stevie Wright who butchered a Taylor Swift song. Is that like pooping on poop? She rushed through the song like she had someplace to be. And when Ryan Seacrest throws you a full-on pity party in the "red room" you know your days are numbered. Also awful was Brent Keith's half-hearted "Hicktown" attempt at grabbing the hick vote. I didn't hate Casey Carlson the first time I watched her sing "Every Little Thing HE Does is Magic" by the Police. It could be a pop single in Europe, but the more I thought about it (and watched it again) it seemed like an admission that she didn't really have any knowledge of musical history. I'm old. Sue me. My favorites were (in no particular order) Anoop's Monica cover (sooo sexy!), Stephen Fowler's "Rock With You" which the judges haaaated, Sexy religious widower Danny sang the F#CK out one of my favorite songs, and even Tatiana was good. When did she become a strong (sane) Latina?! She could actually sing, but it did seem like she was a completely different person. How do you solve a problem like Tatiana? FOX made her look like an unholy freak of nature in the pre-taped summer auditions, and then the judges are surprised when Tatiana reels it in and presents herself a bit more professionally?! Humph! So let's see what happens on Wednesday, potatoes!
No American institution is immune to the wave of change sweeping across America under our new President Ryan Seacrest. Tonight's "Final Round" of Hollywood Week on AMERICAN IDOL was oozing change. No more weird A CHORUS LINE-like spare rehearsal studio. Now the judges lounge like kings and queens in overstuffed chairs in "The Judges' Mansion" making teens and those who the teens have passed by battle each other for a spot on this season show. The Judges Mansion?! What the hell? Do they all live there during the show? Will there be a spin-off show? Do they have "swinging" parties at this "judges' mansion"? Also, Fox should get its money back from whoever upholstered those judges thrones. Tacky and sloppy workmanship. Anyway, also new to the show this year is the "sing off" where the judges pitted contestants against each other and put them on the spot to sing a song to stay on the show. The "sing off" portion of the two hour show was the most stomach churning. Then when the judges FINALLY deliver the news, they pull that tension-building crap by stalling the delivery of the good new with a fake out, "We don't have good news for you..." The contestant is in tears and about to pass out. Then the judges all look sad and then say "...we have GREAT news for you! You're in!" Then the contestant has a spaz attack! The judging panel had a very ANTM feeling (and that is NOT a step UP for AMERICAN IDOL). They have the tough task of "narrowing" the field down to 36. 36!? That's bigger than a football team isn't it? How long is this show gonna be on?! Until next February?! Bat-shit crazy, Tatiana, is this season's Sanjaya Jaya Binks. She's a kook! Rosie O'Donnell's prodigy Von Smith made it through. Sexy, god-loving widower Danny Gokey is gonna be a "story" this season. Anoop Desai is like a gag from a HAROLD AND KUMAR movie, but he can definitely rock out. I'm also keeping my eye on social outcast and Heatherette model (in his own mind), Nathaniel Marshall. Since we've only seen about 10 of the final 36 actually sing, the next few weeks may actually get this Spruce Goose of a season off the ground (or water or whatever). Who do you like? Who do you love? Who do you hate? Can you believe that sexy-god-loving-widower's BFF weird-facial-piercings-guy didn't make it?!
Every episode of AMERICAN IDOL this season has been making me want to watch the next episode less. I feel they are leading me down a path I don't want to go down. The many major changes they've made this season haven't done anything to make me want to watch the show more. I'm even mildly annoyed that I haven't even seen that much good singing in the first 4 episodes. Even on Wednesday's show, the dreaded group night, I don't think any groups performance was shown in its entirety. Each AMERICAN IDOL show has the effect of a montage or rather the lack of effect left following a montage. Sure, I see a bunch of stuff happening, but I'm not feeling any connection to the show as it meanders by. Anyone LOVING this new season? Anyone HATING it? Am I the only one who thinks about this stuff?
The group with the sexy, religious widower is a shoe-in:Also among the best of the night was the group with the fiercest chick ever on IDOL.
Bye bye Bikini Girl. Some people fell apart and some people got trapped in a train wreck. Next week... more of the same.
For my post about this week's AMERICAN IDOL, see last week's post. Or, better yet, here it is again (abridged even): "I'm sad that AMERICAN IDOL was only one hour tonight. I wanted more crazies! Hollywood week is going to be high drama. The "auditions" shows are filled with a LOT more auditioner's stories and a LOT fewer auditions. Every audition was puzzling and seemed to go on forEVER! I'm not enjoying the auditions this season. I'm looking forward to Hollywood week. I hope there will be some singing."
I'm sad that AMERICAN IDOL was only one hour tonight. I wanted more crazies! Tatiana Del Toro seemed loonier than William Hung and Lemur-Eyed Boy combined. I thought she sounded OK. The judges toyed with her a bit before relenting and making all her dreams come true by sending her to Hollywood. Bikini Girl, watch out. Then Tatiana cackled on camera for what seemed like EVER. Hollywood week is going to be high drama. Jesús had a touching story, but the "auditions" shows are filled with a LOT more auditioner's stories and a LOT fewer auditions. What does a guy solving a Rubik's Cube have to do with his singing ability? Both the cube and his audition were puzzling. Every audition was puzzling and seemed to go on forEVER! It was 45-freakin' minutes before the first brief montage of actually good singers followed immediately by crazy-screaming girl, Annie. At 47 minutes into the show, Adam came along. They showed his musical theatre background. He was dressed hip and sexy. His voice was very interesting. He was also relaxed and surprisingly not crazy. And then for the last few minutes of the show, they brought it down. Way down. Cue the Kleenex. I'm not enjoying the auditions this season. I'm looking forward to Hollywood week. I hope there will be some singing.
Night two of AMERICAN IDOL was total dejavu. It was so formulaic. There were the crazies, followed by the super-crazies, the people with tough lives and sad stories. There was even another Castro family off-spring. Perhaps you will remember Jason Castro from last season. He was a total goob with cool hair and a nice smile. I thought he was an awful singer and an even worse performer. Well, he has a brother who also can't sing and has the stage presence of a mic stand. Michael Castro describes himself as the manlier of the two. Yikes! I would NOT be shocked to learn that either Castro boy also had a vagina. Check out the photos. They are the LAST photos of a Castro on this blog! There are --as usual-- some good singers, but we're also --as usual-- only getting a fraction of the whole story. We won't see all the people selected from Phoenix or Kansas City until Hollywood if ever. 147 folks Made it through to Hollywood according to Ryan's voice over, including Bikini Girl, Recent Widower, and Welder Guy. Appropriately, the show ended with some girl holding her head in her hands crying out in desperation, "Oh my God, I can not believe this sh*t!" Indeed, girlfriend. None of us can.
After a holiday TV famine that almost cost me my sanity, TV is back with an embarrassment of riches. AMERICAN IDOL kicked off its 8th unlikely season with an absolutely cracked out opening montage. With Fantasia in foreclosure I'm not sure what message she sends to future IDOL hopefuls. On the other hand, Carrie Underwood's 11 million record sales figure is catching up to Kelly Clarkson's 19 million. You can NEVER tell who's going to win from the auditions. So many people crack later. David Cook was (and still is) a pudgy dweeb who happens to have a HOT voice and a smart ear for music. And, now look at him! AMERICAN IDOL season 8 started out in Phoenix where the usual suspects were joined by a new judge, Kara DioGuardi. Who? Ok, I get it. She's worked with some very annoying people who've sold a lot of records (and -- it turns out -- she can sing quite well herself). But, I still don't know her well enough to care. Some say four judges is pointless or superfluous. The whole show is pointless and superfluous, so I say bring on 10 judges. 16 year olds can be berated and belittled by as many people as FOX can afford to pay to show up. Typical of FOX's economy with new footage, I think the first actual audition occurred about 16 minutes into the show. Let the train wreck commence! It only took 30 minutes for Paula to give Simon the finger. Paula looked great. Speaking of Paula, I love the weirdos on the show... the contestants, I mean. I prefer the indignant hot-heads compared to the emotional criers. My favorites from Tuesday's show were Michael Gurr (whoa!), Leah-Marie (Kara's only fan), and Bikini Girl (who I can NOT believe got through to Hollywood! Are you kidding me?!) Of course the weirdest shot of the whole show was Ryan kissing a woman. Technically, a woman was kissing Ryan who appeared frozen with fear and/or revulsion. Also, Ryan, it's kinda uncool to give a BLIND guy a high five (since he can't see you giving it!) Next time, maybe a pat on the back or a hug?
Speaking of hugs, THE BIGGEST LOSER: COUPLES (or THE BOB AND JILLIAN EGO SHOW) was back for the cursed week 2 episode. Cursed because contestants who lost BIG the first week often suffer from biological-backlash and only lose a pound or two after a 20 pound loss the week before. This season's episode 2 was no different. It still amazes me that millions of Americans (and I) watch this show, which is basically 40 minutes of morbidly obese people in very little clothing being weighed. I mean, who wouldn't lose as much weight as they could if they had a personal trainer who guided you through an Olympic athlete's workout every day and you had nutritional guidance and medical supervision. What THE BIGGEST LOSER (or THE BOB AND JILLIAN EGO SHOW) hasn't shown you on the show are the past winners who've ballooned since winning the show. Paraphrasing the guy said on tonight's episode it's like winner's spend $200,000 of the quarter million dollar prize on fried chicken and the rest on a car. Erik Chopin, the winner of NBC's third season of The Biggest Loser (pic) gained half his amazing 200+ pound weigh loss back and appeared on Oprah this past week to apologize to his fans and supporters for topping the scales at over 300 pounds again. It ain't easy. But it does make for fascinating TV. FINALLY!
I would like to talk about a double-standard that seems profoundly weird to me. Janet Jackson flashes ONE saggy old booby on the Superbowl and America has an actual hissy-fit causing unprecedented shock waves through the entire television industry. But, every week guys with bigger, flabbier, uglier boobs that Mrs. Jackson flash them BOTH on the scale for minutes while the camera just fixates on them. I really just don't get why men can flash their giant breasts around all day and all night and one tiny black woman flashes one titty for a second and world goes mad! Speaking of boobs...
And, NO, I didn't see Ann Actualcoulter on THE VIEW with Elizabitch Hasselcoulter. One of them is bad enough. Two would kill me! Putting either on TV is a crime against rational thought and human decency. I will probably NEVER watch THE VIEW again.
Aaaaaaaugh! Despite an adorable interview with the adorable David Cook this morning on LIVE WITH REGIS & KELLY, I'm having serious AMERICAN IDOL withdrawal. What the bloody hell am I supposed to do on Tuesdays now?!
And do NOT even get me started on the fact that the extra-adorable Oscar from STEP IT UP & DANCE was voted off AGAIN by the stupid judges. If they had ONE ballet challenge, Oscar would have won and Janelle would be sitting at home on her couch. I'm inconsolable!
That's what millions of Americans heard last night after waiting (and wading) through the interminable commercial that was the AMERICAN IDOL season finale. TiVo and Fox did it again by cutting off the announcement of the winner of IDOL just as Ryan was finally getting around to saying it. My sister was apoplectic --and who can blame her?! After 90 bajillion votes, I wonder how many millions of TiVo viewers missed the announcement. Let your voices be heard! Let Fox and TiVo what you think of them (by posting it in the comments of my blog)!
Anyway, for those of you who didn't waste your evening on 2 hours of Fox-grade crap, here's a wrap up.
The opening was once again WAY over the top. This is the end of IDOL not a boxing match, not a drag race, not the Olympics. Take the competition down a notch, people. Ryan looked to be wearing at least one set of false eyelashes on his top lids.
Once again, the choreography of the group numbers was AWFUL. You could see them counting in their heads. A few really stuck out as clods with 2 left feet. Amanda Overmyer and Monchuleta, I'm talking to you. Also, throughout the evening, the song arrangements were dreadful! They were either too fast, too slow, or so cheesy it made me feel dirty to hear them.
The David & David duet was missing one thing: a kiss at the end (or in the middle for that matter).
We ALL needed a five minute LOVE GURU commerical while were waiting for the Syesha/Seal duet. As soon as Seal came out they turned down Syesha's mic. I wonder if that's in Seal's contract.
Jason Castro "sang."
Ryan played Oprah by giving David & David each a Ford. Whichever David wins will be trading that Ford in for his first Porsche.
Then they made all the women dress up like whores and sing a few songs about whores while they were all counting in their heads probably thinking what whores they all are. Then when born again Donna Summer (Ryan introduced her as Donna SummerS. What an ass!) came out whore time was over and it was time to be vaguely inspirational while barely moving. Fun times! It was hilarious when Donna Summer realized how inferior Syesha's mic was, she handed her hers. What a pro. She's not bad for a born again Christian.
Carly Smithson and Michael Johns really seemed like two guests on the Glenn Campbell show from the 70's. I wanted to like them, but the Muppet Show-like arrangement was distracting.
Jimmy Kimmel was hilarious and right on! How odd that IDOL would actually make fun of itself right in the middle of the show. How meta. My favorite joke was when Jimmy said to Simon, "I wonder what your parents, Rosemary and Satan Cowell think of your success."
The "boys medley" was appropriately Chippendales-esque. Though, once again, it was tough to watch the guys clomp around the stage. And just when you think, "Gosh, I hope Bryan Adams isn't alive to see this," Bryan Adams appears to prove that Restilin really does work! He still looks like he just got out of a halfway house or a work-release program, but god bless him.
Then we were treated to a Jordan "Ugly Betty" Suarez commercial for the American Idol "Experience" at Disney World. Yikes!
One of the few things I liked about the show was the Cook and ZZ Top number. Cook rocked and ZZ Top looked into it --in as much as they ever look like they are into anything. With that in mind, how do we know those guys actually were ZZ Top? Couldn't they be like The Blue Man Group where they're not the same 3 blue guys but different ones all play the same characters? And if they aren't, shouldn't they be (and can I get a cut of that action)?
Brooke White appeared in a flashback I had about A MIGHTY WIND, and when I woke up David Cook was dancing around in his (alleged) underpants. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
Oh Christ! And then The Jonas Brothers showed up to make Jason Castro feel better about his singing and performing ability. At least none of them fell off the stage while they were squeaking their "music" to the spasmodic tween audience. I HATE those guys. In fact, I fast forwarded through a LOT of the show.
Then Jordan "Ugly Betty" Suarez came back and galloped across the stage in a gold lamé tent and people were all thinking, "Who is that?!" And, I was thinking, "Where the hell is Blake Lewis?!" He was in the audience... fully dressed. Lame.
For no apparent reason, IDOL then did something actually funny! They matched a clip of Gladys Knight and made The Pips Robert Downey Jr., Ben Stiller , and Jack Black. It was hilariously strange!! Robert Downey Jr. singing and dancing is foxy!
Then Carrie Underwood came out and showed what a god dammned American Idol is supposed to be like! She tore the stage UP, and she looked like a million bucks! Ashley Tisdale sighting!!
I was only mildly upset by the NAMBLA commercial with Monchuleta jumping around in his pajamas.
I was very upset my the massacre of the George Michael song book until Mrs. Michael herself came out and turned in a diva performance worthy of Annie Lennox earlier in the season. Even though she looks like Borat, Mrs. Michael has still got it.
And then... the LIVE results,
but first...
and then...
oh who cares!
Ok, I care! I was happy with the results. Chunky won over cheesy! I even set my TiVo for TWO MINUTES over, and it still cut off before the end of the show.
Let's get ready to rumble? David Cook, 180 pounds?! Is he 5'5"? Oh Jesus, the cheese factor was OFF the charts on that opening. Big David and Little David? How are they measuring that? Don't get me wrong. I love me some paunchy Cook! This boxing metaphor is so stupid and gay. Neither Idol finalist strikes me as a boxer (or a particularly robust athlete on any level). Ok, 14 minutes in and still no singing. Where's the singing?
Cook #1 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - Good, but not great. He was kinda walking through it. He sounded ok, but didn't seem that into it. That song should move me, but I was unmoved. It wasn't even a very "rockin" arrangement. I still think that the judges love Cook so much because no one wants to work with Monchuleta's father if he wins.
Monchuleta #1 - Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me - Holy crap! That little monkeyperson can really sing! Based on the first song, I have to give it to Monchuleta so far. Unless he has a backstage emotional freak out, he'll totally win!
Cook #2 - Some Random Song - What's with Cook's arrangements tonight? He sounds like late 80's Pat Benatar. He did sound fantastic, but the song was so blah. I still totally wanna make out with him, though.
Monchuleta #2 - In This Moment - All I heard was, "Cheeeeeeese. Cheeeeesy!" He'll totally win.
Cook #3 - The World I Know - I'm just not feeling him tonight. I agree with Simon. I wonder if he's "throwing" it so he won't have to be the winner and can have a semi-normal career as the runner-up.
Monchuleta #3 - Imagine - Well, I think this just sealed the deal! He's totally gonna win. Even if Cook had really brought it, Monchuleta still mighta won. That's my prediction: Monchuleta by a landslide!
Reuben Studdard sounded great, but TiVo cut him off pretty early, so I guess I'll never know if I should buy his CD or not.
Last Monday I said good-bye to SAMANTHA WHO? We had a rocky relationship. I hate people who are chronically tardy, and Samantha always started at 9:02 or 9:32. For awhile Samantha, a smart tough single woman, was aired opposite Old Christine on CBS who was also a smart tough single woman. So I had to choose between them. Because they were two of the smartest shows about smart tough single women, I often felt regret regardless of my decision. There's another example of TV making me feel crappy instead of happy.
Last Tuesday's AMERICAN IDOL was a big, stinky pile of garbage. Each of the remaining Idols rushed through 3 songs and skittered across the stage at Ryan's beck and call. I guess they didn't have time for rehearsal this week. Maybe they were wrestling Mr. Archuleta to the floor backstage. Each Idol pulled off one of their three songs, but stumbled badly on at least one song. On Wednesday, I was pleased by the results of the results show.
Also on Wednesday, I enjoyed me some ULTIMATE FIGHTER.
On Thursday, THE OFFICE season finale made me pee myself and also wet my face with something called tears. Squish squish.
I've been so busy that I haven't even watched BATTLESTAR GALACTICA yet. Shhh! Don't tell me anything about it!
Who was the creepy bald dude in the audience on Tuesday night's AMERICAN IDOL?
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